Remember your New Year's resolutions? That list of things you wanted to achieve this year that lead to you mostly buying stuff to get ready for all these things you were gonna achieve? Spoiler alert: if you don't actually go running, running pants are just pajamas.
But just because 2019 is 1/3 complete doesn't mean you have to give up entirely. You still have time to start following the epically long Twitter thread started by stand up comedian Gary Gulman, in which he's been doling out one piece of advice every day.
Now, in case you don't know who Gary Gulman is, and you've grown wise enough to not just listen to everything someone with a blue checkmark next to their Twitter handle says (good for you, really.) Trust us when we say Gary comes with references beyond his status as a finalist on Last Comic Standing,
And just in case Mike Birbiglia, who, by the way, is a Broadway performer, doesn't impress you, then wow, you really are jaded. Maybe you should try smiling? Just to see how it feels. But Gulman has plenty of other endorsements, too.
That's right, Gulman's advice has blown up so much even Patton Oswalt is starting to dole out advice in Twitter-thread format. And if you don't know who Patton Oswalt is, well, you probably really need Gulman's advice.
Even though the thread is geared specifically towards stand up comedians looking to get better, lots of what Gulman has to say applies to life in general. Especially if you're a person who cares at all about the quality of your Facebook statuses.
Basically, don't decide that because it's okay to fail, there's no reason at all to get off the sofa. Failing is only okay if you actually tried. For example, if your house burned down, who would you be mad at: the fireman who blasted water at that thing for an hour to no avail, or the fireman who did nothing because he skipped hose day at fireman school? (The correct answer, of course, is to get mad at fire itself and swear vengeance against it.)
Be the Facecbook poster you wish existed! This is advice that's so true it's essentially what Gandhi said, back when he was doing stand up comedy (that's a joke, okay? Don't send me letters! I know Gandhi didn't do stand up. He was an improv guy.)
You know your co-worker's coffee mug? The one that says "dance like no one is watching"? It might actually be onto something (the mug, not your co-worker.) But seriously, you can't get better at anything at life without risk. Well, except maybe Candy Crush.
This is the most compelling argument for journaling I know I've ever seen. And honestly the best way to get through a job you don't like is to make detailed note of everything that happens. It'll be fun to look back on later, and helpful in any legal proceedings.
So, we won't all be performing on Conan like Gulman did, but we should be thankful that finally someone has publicly challenged the theories of the great philosopher Eminem. You do, in fact, get more than one shot. Even the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders have tryouts every year.
This next tip is in the same vein: a reminder that it's never too late, basically. Whatever you wanna do, just do it! Think of George Carlin! But maybe don't listen to George Carlin right now, his stuff can be kind of.... dark.
It's never a bad idea, no matter what you're doing, to ask who the heck you're doing it for. If the answer is "some jerk I don't even like who isn't paying me," well then maybe you can stop doing that thing?
Getting some culture is never a bad idea. But when you're seeing these masterpieces up close, be careful not to get too close. Museums actually do have alarms, believe me, I'm still doing community service.
You only get stuck in a rut if you don't leave the rut. So plan a hot air balloon escape! Or just like, go to a class or a meeting or some kind of unfamiliar event. If nothing else you'll have a good story for Monday.
Yeah yeah, this one is exclusively for stand ups pretty much. But the principle definitely translates. Like, if you're a telemarketer, the more phones you call, the more sales you'll inevitably make. Also, I'm so sorry that that is still your job.
"Go for a walk" is never bad advice, unless you're on a short pier. But in any career, at any time, a breath of fresh air can help revitalize you. And if it doesn't, keep walking. Go, farther. Never look back. You're free now.
This isn't a tip it just felt like we could use a quick break from all the tips. It's a great idea for a theme song though, right? Like if these tweets ever became a YouTube show, this would be a fun dance break.
Back to reality, where we learn that Mean Girls had a point when Kady said "All that matters is the problem in front of you." We will be posting no other Mean Girls quotes today, but you are allowed to quietly say them to yourself.
Let's never forget the power of coffee. Feeling depressed? Tired? Constipated? Coffee has immediate and effective solutions for all these things. And, assuming you don't live in Brooklyn, it's cheap!
Even if you aren't a stand up, do this. Even if you're only performing one of these stories for your cat, it sounds incredibly cathartic. Think of all the money you'd save on therapy, and/or all the new and exciting issues you will now have to talk about in therapy.
At this point, I'm willing to accept there's one man that might be smarter than Gary: Ned Stark. And though he is both fictional and dead, he once told his son Bran that the only time a man can be brave is when he is afraid. So, there you go.
You are not a burger flipper, you are a hamburger creation artist and this is your craft to master! It really does feel good to say it like that. It also makes me feel like I want to buy a lot of black turtlenecks.
Honestly, this is just a helpful tip for how to get way more out of your notebooks. Screw you, number of pages a notebook has! We're living without limits now. Welcome to the bright and glorious future.
Look, if no one shows up to your Superbowl party, well, that's incredibly sad and honestly you should get some new friends. But you should still watch the game. You probably like football and there's more chips for you now.
We'll close out with another thought on failing, which it's clear from Gulman's tips is excessively common in stand up. But hey, that's life, right? Better to fail big all at once instead of slowly over the course of years. I'm pretty sure that's why people sign up for marathons.