A Twitter Journey Through This Year's Very Weird Apple Event

As with most everything Apple, consumers had high expectations for this year's Apple event. Some would say maybe too high? I dunno. Having Oprah, Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner, and Rashida Jones schmoozing on camera certainly doesn’t do anything to temper people’s expectations.

Why were all these ultra glamorous A-list celebrities there? Was a new phone being unveiled? One that will, once again, change the way we interact with the ones we love and the world around us? One that anticipates our every need, and helps us increase our productivity? One that can shoot a cinema-quality films *and* play high-res music? Or maybe even just a phone that lasts longer than one year? No, you fool. Phones are done. Apple is over phones. Stop trying to make phones happen. Apple is now…. Everything.

That’s right. Why only make phones when you can make all the things???  Soon, you’ll be able to get on your Apple phone and use your Apple credit card to buy an Apple game to play while you wait for you favorite Apple TV show to premiere on your Apple TV. Their motto, after all is “Think Different” as in “Thinking of a different electronics brand? How dare you”

And why not surrender the entirety of your brief existence on this planet to the whims of Apple? Are they not a fair and just ruler? Has your iPhone not stood by your side, providing the read receipts that ended all your worst relationships, and virtually every photo you’ve ever taken? Not to mention they made Brooklyn Prince’s dream come true by introducing her to Aquaman. Aquaman! This is real life!

Of course surrendering your existence to the almighty Apple could still be a risky venture, since the company isn’t known for doing *everything* perfectly. They’re just humans, after all. For instance, the Apple event itself somehow made life even harder for both the hearing impaired, and the people who were trying to watch the event while sitting on the toilet at work.

So if you weren’t totally able to decipher what was actually being said on stage, here’s an extremely brief summary: Apple is working on some stuff, a lot of it isn’t tech, and basically none of it is ready. Their streaming service was announced with no price tag, for instance. LEaving more than a few people wondering why everyone had to actually *gather* to discuss things Apple is still working on.

A bunch of those things weren’t tech toys at all, but shows the company is developing for it’s apparently-free-because-there’s-no-price-yet streaming service. This includes one for children that will actually help them learn to code, which is the 2019 version of coal mining, apparently, in that it’s a highly paid job everyone assumes will be around forever because when has that never not worked out?

To add insult to injury, (well, it wasn’t an injury so much as just a weird experience, like falling into a vat of spaghetti) Apple announced only after the event that it was entirely scrapping a highly anticipated new bit of tech: AirPower. Even though they’d already, uh, included it in illustrations on the AirPod boxes.

AirPower was supposed to have been a way for you to wirelessly charge all your Apple devices on one pad. Something that might make your friends visiting from out of town scream at you and call you a witch. Now they’ll have to find entirely different reasons for doing that, because Apple has scrapped this project without much explanation, beyond saying it wouldn’t “achieve our high  standards.” Okay.

It was a huge disappointment to fans after the fact, but maybe, just maybe a boon to anyone else. After all, it’s impossible to imagine a future in which we’re all continually subjected to the drudgery of *plugging something in* to charge it and then the added insult of *unplugging that thing* when we want it to stop charging. This is the greatest burden man has faced.

But don’t worry, if you found this week’s Apple Event disappointing or weird, take heart. Soon, in like 7 or 8 months or something maybe, you’ll be able to surrender all your money, leisure time, and hopefully someday actual human blood to this former computer company turned highly aesthetically pleasing empire. Hurrah!