There are a lot of way to make new friends as an adult, and the cool part of being a grown up is you can tailor your friend-finding to your specific needs. Sporty people can find new pals in kickball leagues, the socially conscious through community activism, and nerds have improv classes. But, if you are an incredibly fancy and learned individual who needs similarly inclined friends to swirl wine with while being haughty, book clubs are your go-to solution. Be careful though, because every new friend is also a potential new enemy you must defeat. All it takes is one miscommunication or maybe a series of tense exchanges, and boom, you’ve got a new arch nemesis. And the only thing worse than an arch nemesis is a smart and fancy arch nemesis. This was the lesson that comedian Stuart Laws saw play out in real life, while simply minding his own business at a local cafe.
At a cafe, empty tables everywhere, a woman moved all the dirty plates and cups from her table to another, that another woman is sat at. I'm absolutely buzzing about where this is headed.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
In an effort to maintain a fair and balanced view of events, let’s consider all possibilities: maybe this woman thinks the other woman works there? Maybe she doesn’t understand how cafés work? Perhaps she had a cruel family who wouldn’t let her go to Paris as a child, to learn about how cafés work.
15 table cafe
Occupied tables: 3
Empty tables: 12
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Okay so maybe she just has an incredibly respect for empty tables and doesn’t want to dirty them up with dirty plates? Or maybe she has empty table blindness? Or maybe she’s just kind of a weird jerk?
Clean woman has started moving all the dirty plates back from whence they came. Dirty plate woman has broken the silence.
"What are you doing?"
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
And now that she’s spoken, we can confirm, she seems to be kind of a weird jerk. But still, let’s not judge too harshly. Maybe she truly just doesn’t understand what’s happening here, or, you know, realize other people are around.
"You put these on my table without asking so I'm moving them back"
"I didn't want them on my table"
CHECKMATE
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Her logic is sound, if you’re an actual psychopath who doesn’t believe other people have internal lives and feelings and needs, etc. It’s the kind of a logic a child might use, but that an attentive parent usually corrects early. This, my friends, is what happens when they do not.
"Well, I didn't want them on my table and you just put them there without asking"
"Well put them on another table if you don't want them on yours"
"No, I'm putting them here"
Sidenote: there's a book group meeting due to start here at 3pm
Sidebar: staff pretending not to notice
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Suddenly it becomes clear that the woman who initially moved the dishes simply thinks that dirty dishes are like hot potatoes. You pass them around, but never back, and whoever ends up with the potato at the end has to deal with it.
Dirty plates woman started moving dirty plates back to the clean woman's table, whilst clean woman was finishing moving dirty plates from whence they came. Neither are talking now, or looking at each other. Unbelievable scenes.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
At this point one thing becomes abundantly clear: this story is taking place in the UK. It’s the only country on Earth where an argument of this magnitude could place entirely through the silent movement of dishes from one place to another.
Oh shit, clean woman just looked at me for help
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Suddenly the fourth wall is broken and our narrator is almost drawn into the scene. Clean Plates Woman is obviously at this point worried that she has somehow gone insane, and she needs saving. Unfortunately we’ve all seen enough Game of Thrones to know that being the hero is always your last mistake.
Dirty plates woman just dropped a mug on the floor and then raced back to her table and opened a book
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
This is technically an act of violence. Even though it’s against mugs, it’s still a horrific and unnecessary act against an innocent. Also the quick “pretend to be reading” escape method tells us she was clearly raised by cartoon characters.
Staff member has reluctantly walked over at the sound of the mug and now clean woman is trying to explain the situation but dirty plates woman is now engrossed in her book and the staff member seems confused
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Have you ever been just trying to get through your shift at the café, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a woman who has been driven mad by rudeness tries to pull you into a war of dirty plates? Consider yourself extremely lucky.
Clean woman asked dirty plates woman to explain the situation but DPW just turned round and acted confused by what was happening. CW looked at me and said that I would have seen it all. DPW also stared at me and I felt genuinely sick as I nodded my head in support of CW
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Finally, a reluctant hero, our narrator, steps forward in defense of the clean woman. But will it end the dirty plates woman’s tyranny? Does the café staff even have the power to end it? They have to, right? Otherwise the world would be nothing but café chaos.
DPW: "I'm just trying to have a quiet tea, I don't need all this bother please"
Staff member seems even more confused, starts collecting the dirty plates and cups, CW looks gutted. More customers in cafe now, I think this is the drama over.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
This is the problem when you feud with weird jerks. Weird jerks truly do not care. They aren’t able to feel shame or embarrassment, and they certainly aren’t going to worry about what the café staff have to say about it. Luckily, these women will never have to see each other agai-
THEY'VE BOTH WALKED OVER TO THE BOOK GROUP
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Oh dear. What is this, a case of old book group enemies acting out their book group aggression through dinnerware? An ongoing feud in the fiction section that’s manifested into some kind of plate war? What is going on??
It's the first meeting of the book group and they are all introducing themselves to each other and the head of the group asked "does anyone, aside from me and Patrick, know each other?"
DPW does a slow sweep of the group with her eyes and shakes her head, CPW staring at her
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
This is their first meeting! This is, in fact, their first introduction to the book group in general! And DPW doesn’t even flinch in acting like nothing happened. She is truly unbothered by… her own actions. But CPW will never, ever forget.
CPW said that she does know someone, points at DPW and says:
"I met this woman about 20 minutes ago when she moved all of the dirty plates off of her table and onto mine, without asking"
Patrick did a little laugh and the Head of Book Group (HoBG) looked very confused
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
She will not let this stand! CPW is a woman who believes in maintaining the fabric of society. She believes in the human race. She believes in mankind taking responsibility for the plates on their own table, or at least moving them to an empty one.
HoBG: "Shall we get started?"
They did some intros and brief chat admin. There's 7 people in total. The book is: Nine Perfect Strangers
I wish there were two more people in their group, CPW can't take her eyes off of DPW and DPW is being really charming, especially to Patrick
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
This is downright nefarious at this point. She’s trying to make friends with the leader’s friend, so as to climb the social hierarchy of the book group before the CPW has the chance too. She is truly this book club’s token evil genius, even if the rest of them have yet to realize it.
Nothing much happening in the book group at the moment beyond book analysis, rest of cafe pretty empty. I realised that if you count me and the staff member that makes 9 perfect strangers but HoBG knows Patrick and there's another staff member so it doesn't work.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
All the types trying to suppress their OCD tendencies right now are going absolutely insane. It’s almost physically painful how close to perfect this whole situation could be. And think how it could add to the book discussion!
IT DOES WORK. 9 perfect strangers and 2 friends.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Oh thank goodness. Now we can all relax. Except for, you know, the bubbling rage that is still very much boiling inside CPW. That’s still very much a problem and the rest of the group doesn’t even realize it. Book groups never do, at least, not until it’s too late.
Shots fired!!! CPW got herself a tea and a slice of cake, drank and ate it all and then put them empties down on top of DPW's book.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Okay, because this is not an episode of Seinfeld, we have to ask ourselves if this incredibly bold display was actually the right move. It’s like that old saying, “You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Wait, that’s Batman. Sorry.
DPW calmly excused herself to go to the toilet, came back with water, put it down on table and knocked it over CPW's book, then quickly apologised and sat down, offering no help
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
See, once CPW escalated, she entered into a battle of wills she was never equipped to win in the first place. DPW clearly does not care, and if there’s one person you never want to end up in a fight with, it’s a person who does not care.
Others in the group helped clean up water, no one really seems to understand that their book group has a broiling subplot going on. Patrick especially.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
It’s amazing to see that virtually everyone involved in this book group is blind to the real life drama playing out before their very eyes. They’re merely pawns in this game, and they don’t even know it!
HoBG asked for suggestions of future books to read...
CPW: The Psychopath Test?
HoBG: That's a good book, anyone else read it?
One of the supporting cast of the book group has, brief discussion about Jon Ronson, DPW joining in, saying it sounds like a good book
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
So maybe CPW’s finisher is subtle, but in the end it might win the day. However, this book’s affect on DPW relies on her ability to see her own flaws, which is something she doesn’t seem at all capable of doing.
Official Book Group is over but it's now unofficial socialising time, two people made a quick getaway, the rest are just chatting. CPW looks lost, desperately trying to think of a way to get revenge?
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Imagine being in an already awkward social setting, namely the time after a meeting when people engage in light chatter, but the only person there that you actually know is now certifiably your mortal enemy.
Imagine this was all viral marketing for Nine Perfect Strangers
"woah, this blew up, while you're here, check out my book Nine Perfect Strangers, available from all good the internet"
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Unfortunately, we, the people of Earth, are not blessed enough to have viral marketing ever be this good. However it’s likely the sales of this book are about to go up ever so slightly. So there’s a bit of silver lining in all of this.
It's just Patrick, DPW & CPW left now. At this stage I've realised CPW should be CTW but I can't change that now
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Suddenly we’re extremely concerned about Patrick. Does he even know the kind of tension he’s waded into? Does he realize he’s in a situation that could escalate at any moment? These are women who silently rearranged plates at each other just a few minutes ago. They’re capable of anything.
Staff member came over to clear away dirty cups. CPW says not to worry, staff member looks confused.
CPW points at DPW: "She's going to do it"
Staff member looks confused and keeps clearing them away
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Okay, at this point it’s hard to tell who the crazy person truly is. While DPW’s original sin was truly heinous, CPW’s inability to just let it go and move on, even after sitting through an entire book club meeting, is what we might call a “bad look.”
DPW just pretended to be confused and looked at Patrick with a "what's that about?" look. Patrick laughed, I still don't think he knows he just attended a book group
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Poor Patrick has no idea what he’s a part of now. He’s aligned with a force he can’t possible understand and being influenced by forces whose strength he isn’t equipped to appreciate. What will become of gentle Patrick and his many laughs?? We’re invested now.
Someone requested a little more detail on the protagonist and antagonist (it's up to you to decide which is which I guess). DPW in her late 50s maybe, CPW maybe 40s? Patrick in his 60s. HoBG: 60s. Staff members: teens/early 20s. Me: 30s.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
These are incredibly loose guesses we’re going to take with a grain of salt because, well, DPW could be thousands of years old for all we know. Her demeanor suggests she is someone who isn’t easily rattled by mortal affairs. So look, all we’re saying is, maybe she’s a plate demon sent to torment mortals?
Ok, I think this is the end, and it's disappointing so I'll do a fake ending first, then the real one...
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Oh, we get a fake ending and a real ending. It’s like buying the DVD and getting to watch the director’s cut and alternate endings. Except you just bought a DVD of women shuffling plates angrily at each other.
CPW starts crying, staff member asks what's wrong:
"My husband left me for a dirty plate"
DPW and Patrick start making out, HoBG returns, sees what's happening and yells:
"Let's do this, Leeeeeerooyyyyyyyy Jennnnnnnkinnnnnnsssssss"
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
This is a little too much. It’s just not believable in a real world scenario. Honestly, a café employee, who we’ve established is in their teens or early 20s, asking you what’s wrong when you’re crying? Who could possibly buy that? Cafés are basically places to cry and break up with significant others undisturbed.
Real ending:
DPW says she has to leave, Patrick laughs and I'm not sure why, shakes her hand. DPW does a Patrice Evra style ignoring of CPW, goes and pays her bill, talks to Staff Member for a bit, laughs about something and then leaves.
CPW looks absolutely devastated.
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
It looks like DPW has won the day. And not only that, she’s gotten away with putting plates in the wrong place. Are there truly no heroes in the world today who can stand up to a monster like this?
I'm exhausted pic.twitter.com/ktX05mYJnM
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Honestly, we all are. This has truly been an emotional rollercoaster. And one none of us asked for, or maybe even deserved. Yet, here we are.
CPW went up to pay for her tea and cake and it had already been paid for
🤯
— Stuart Laws (@thisstuartlaws) April 15, 2019
Is this a happy ending? Or is this a villains final blow? Was DPW trying to be nice by paying for CPW’s cake and tea? Or was she doing some kind of weird tea-based flex to follow up on her plate-based violence? Who is the hero and who is the villain? As with every good drama, we may never know.