From Never-Ending Compromises To Unexpected Date Nights: 29+ Hilarious Tweets About Marriage
| LAST UPDATE 10/17/2021
Marriage is a beautiful thing, as it teaches people so many crucial life lessons. From building IKEA furniture to fighting over dirty dishes, these brutally honest tweets reveal the truth about married life.
Proper Milk Placement
Marriage teaches people many new things, some that you'd never even thought about before. For instance, apparently, there's a wrong way to put the milk back in the refrigerator, according to this guy's wife.
If you'd asked him how he places the milk in the refrigerator months before his wedding, he probably would've told you he just throws it in wherever there's space; Until his wife took matters into her own hands, of course.
Real Reason for Tracking His Location
Being able to track family members' locations comes in handy in terms of safety, but some people take this ability to a whole new level. Like all of those people who consistently stalk their spouse to make sure they're not lying, cheating, or doing something else that seems suspicious.
However, this woman tracks her husband's location for a totally different reason, and we've got to hand it to her; We respect the dedication. Once she sees that her husband's five minutes from the house, she shuts off the TV, puts on her best apron, and positions herself as she's been cleaning toilets all afternoon.
Not Our Kid, Not Our Problem
For new parents, hearing a kid start to cry outside of the house is often a trigger, and they triple check to make sure their child is ok. While it might be exhausting to constantly have to comfort your crying child, on the flip side, there's nothing more satisfying than realizing the crying isn't coming from any of your kids.
This couple literally celebrates every time they avoid having to comfort a tearful child, and all the power to them! I mean, can you really blame these hard-working parents for feeling extremely relieved that for once, they can just sit back, relax, and not give their undivided attention to infants?
Take a Hint, Please
Part of marriage is sharing responsibilities with your significant other, but consistently nagging them to unload the dishwasher or change the lightbulb can get tiring after a while. Therefore, this woman decided to conduct a little experiment with her husband that didn't involve any nagging.
Instead of asking him to do a single thing around the house, she simply mentioned some things that needed to be done hundreds of times, with the hope that after the 300th time, he'd get the message. Unfortunately, though, her experiment was unsuccessful, and she'll just have to keep nagging.
TV Etiquette in a Marriage
Agreeing to watch a TV show with your spouse is more of a commitment than many people think. It means that even if your husband or wife is away on business for a week, you're not allowed to watch a single episode without them, or else you're basically cheating.
But what happens when you're halfway through an episode, and suddenly your husband claims he heard a strange noise and needs to go outside to investigate? A five-minute break from the show is ok, but after 20 minutes, are you allowed to press play? If you have a definitive answer to this question, please let us know!
She Asked for It
Anytime someone asks for information about themselves, they should probably be ready to take it all in, no matter how good or bad. In this case, this man's wife asked him if she had any 'annoying' habits, so he felt this was his one opportunity to point out everything that's irked him over the last 20 years.
Evidently, he'd kept an extensive list of these things in his head over the years, so when it came time to tell his wife about all of this, using a PowerPoint presentation seemed to make perfect sense; Until his wife sat through the first slide of the presentation and suddenly became extremely offended.
Building IKEA Furniture Reveals Everyone's True Colors
Anyone who's ordered and assembled furniture from IKEA knows how difficult and seemingly impossible it can be. With that being said, what better way to put your marriage to the test than building your future baby's crib with your spouse? Truly anything can happen in this situation.
After less than an hour, this couple was at each other's throats. IKEA's instructions offer plenty of visuals and even a toll-free number to call for extra assistance, but unfortunately, there's no marriage counselor on staff. Let's just hope they managed to build the crib before the baby arrived!
A Fun Game Called Rearranging
Have you ever tried moving household items slightly out of place to see how much it throws off your spouse? If you haven't, then we've got a little game for you that might not seem like much, but if you like watching the person you love struggle to find the ketchup, then you're in for a real treat.
This woman moved the condiments three inches to the left, and somehow, her husband could not manage to find them. He was absolutely fooled and assumed the kids had finished the ketchup and mustard. Little did he know, they were just in a new spot. Ahh, the things you learn from marriage!
Life's Biggest Competition
Often times, kids choose a favorite parent, which can even change daily depending on who assigns chores or plays bad cop for the day. But eventually, kids grow out of that phase - at least that's what parents tell themselves. However, when it comes to the family dog, this four-legged friend's love means everything.
Most dogs have one go-to human, which means the competition as the pup's favorite can get heated. This can be a sensitive subject, and dog parents are silently competing to see who's loved more by this furry animal. So, if your dog follows you and only you to the bathroom in the middle of the night, you might be the winner.
The Secret to Happy Marriage
Plenty of newlyweds ask their elders about the secret to a long and happy marriage, and people get all sorts of responses. When this woman asked her mother, she received a very straightforward answer. She didn't encourage weekly date nights or romantic gestures, just gave the cold, hard truth.
Apparently, the only thing that you and your spouse have to do is avoid hating each other on the same day. Sounds simple enough, right? That might require extra patience, especially during a fight, since one person always has to remain cool, calm, and collected. What do you think about this piece of advice?
Snoozing the Alarm Too Many Times
Let's be real here; we've probably all snoozed an alarm once or twice, or maybe even every day, depending on the morning. In this instance, this woman thought her alarm only went off one or two times until her husband stepped in to reveal the unfortunate truth that ruins his morning routine.
Apparently, her alarm goes off exactly 13 times per morning, as her husband has clearly been keeping track for quite a while now. Well, I guess that's just part of marriage, right? Diane's husband agreed to stay with her for better or for worse, and he's certainly discovered the 'worse' part.
Wrong Man for the Job
For some reason, so many people have the tendency to complain or mope when their spouse asks them to do something, whatever that something might be. So, when this woman asked her husband to do her a favor, based on the look on his face, she just knew he wasn't going to do it without putting up a fight.
She hoped that her husband would have a positive attitude for once while doing some household work, but just figured she'd request that he do it without complaining. However, he realized that it would probably be better to assign a third party to the job for the well-being of the relationship.
When in Doubt, Blame the Imaginary Coworker
It's no secret that 2020 has brought the unexpected and even put many relationships to the test, especially with so many people working from home. This couple quickly discovered that working from home together was guaranteed to cause problems, so they came up with an innovative solution.
Since it was just the two of them in the house, they decided to create an imaginary coworker to blame everyday problems. So, when the sink was full of dirty cups or the wifi was being extra slow, the lovebirds didn't blame each other; Instead, they just let Cheryl take the fall. Now that's what we call creativity!
What's Worse Than Having a Cold?
Since winter is coming, which means more people than usual will catch a cold at one point or another, this tweet's probably more relatable than ever. Have you ever caught a cold and had to stay in bed for a few days while listening to your spouse complain about YOUR illness?
This poor guy was in bed sniffling for days, and instead of making him soup like he'd hoped, his wife complained about having an under the weather husband. Apparently, having a sick husband is worse than actually being sick, or so she said. Something seems fishy here, what do you think?
The Second Opinion You Didn't Know You Needed
One of the perks of being married is having a second opinion for virtually everything. While you and your significant other may not see eye to eye all the time, it's nice to get another person's input on clothing, cooking, or really anything in life, even if you don't think you need it.
This includes hearing the harsh truth at times when the reality is you're wearing a horribly unattractive or inappropriate outfit, or the pie you made for a dinner party is inedible. You might be angry at your spouse for the truth at the moment, but chances are, you'll thank them later.
Giving Speechless a Whole New Meaning
Plenty of scenarios cause people to be speechless, whether it's because they're excited, terrified, or just don't know how to express their emotions. However, in this case, this guy gave speechless a whole new meaning after his wife told him that he needed to grow up.
And no, it wasn't because he was angry. Truthfully, he was unable to open his mouth and form words because he was in the process of chewing about 45 gummy bears. Apparently, it's quite tricky to get all those down, so he thought it was better not to interrupt the digestion process. Do you think his wife was right, though?
Listen To Your Wedding Vows Carefully
Ahh, wedding vows; The words that bind a couple together for better or for worse. When you're caught up in the moment, trying to hold back tears, you might not retain everything that your significant is saying at the altar. That's what happened to this guy, as he didn't recall agreeing to this particularly dirty job.
Once the first baby came along, things got messy, literally. And one day, this loving husband had to clean remnants from the baby off of his wife's foot, and all he could think was, "I don't remember that one being in our wedding vows." Well, whether it was or not, that's marriage, folks!
What She Doesn't Know Won't Hurt Her
Being the curious and determined guy he is, this man couldn't stop himself from chasing away a raccoon that had been digging through his trash. His wife warned him not to, as these creatures can get vicious, but in his head, all he'd pictured was scaring the animal away and essentially saving the day.
So, when his wife was busy, he attempted to chase the raccoon away, but unfortunately, things didn't go according to plan, as the little guy fought back. And when his wife noticed the scratches all over his back, he couldn't bear the thought of telling her the truth, so he blamed it on another woman instead.
But Who's Going To Take the Garbage Out?
When you break things down, marriage is essentially two individuals sharing responsibilities, also known as doing everything possible to avoid taking out the garbage, until the other person caves. Let's be real here, who really wants to drag the trash barrels out to the end of the driveway in the middle of the winter?
But what if both people in the relationship are extremely competitive and stubborn and will absolutely never accept defeat? Maybe they'll call a truce and do the job together, or if they have kids, just assign the task to them. Otherwise, this household could get pretty stinky.
How To Show True Love After a While
Early on in any relationship, romantic gestures and exciting date nights usually bring a lot of excitement to the table. However, after 20 years of marriage and three kids, putting in the extra effort to get dressed up for a night out and then sit in traffic on the way to the restaurant sounds like an unnecessary hassle.
So, when this couple celebrated their 20th anniversary, the wife was a little on edge about having to get herself together and sit through yet another formal dinner, just to make her husband feel appreciated; Until her husband gave her the best news: He'd planned an exciting night of sitting on the couch and ordering takeout!
The One Thing She Really Likes
Everyone has their own way of showing affection, and for this couple, the wife gets the most satisfaction from coming home to a clean house; Especially when she doesn't have to ask her husband to tidy up and catches him vacuuming the carpet on a Saturday night.
For any clean freak, that's true love, don't you think? Or really for anyone in a relationship; It's always a pleasant surprise to find your significant other cleaning the house voluntarily. Evidently, a lot more excitement goes on in the bedroom than you might've thought, and it all starts with some cleaning supplies.
Choosing What To Watch on TV
To any couple who agrees on what to watch on TV; Congratulations, you must genuinely be a perfect match! But if you and your spouse never seem to agree, don't panic; It's completely normal. You know that they say: Opposites attract, meaning spouses often have opposite favorite shows and movies.
While it's probably not the end of the world, that doesn't mean that people warn you about this issue before getting married. For this guy, he didn't realize that "What do you want to watch" was a rhetorical question until after he said "I do" and accepted a lifetime of watching The Bachelor.
There's something so sacred and comforting about a fresh set of bed sheets, and many people think that they should only be slept on in clean clothes. With that being said, this woman was absolutely furious when she found her husband taking a post-workout nap on the clean sheets.
Evidently, he didn't think this was a big deal at all, but to his wife, he'd essentially just committed a crime. If he was trying to make her angry, well, he certainly succeeded. Apparently, though, she would've preferred that he use his words to inform her he was unhappy.
About the Chores...
There's nothing like coming home after a long day of work, expecting to see that the dishes are done, and dinner's on the table; Until you walk in the door only to find that your spouse ignored your request yet again. So, you take matters into your own hands and start doing the chores yourself.
Then when your spouse finally walks in, sees your scrubbing away, they say, "I was just about to do that, but I see you've already started;" Way to go, avoiding the dishes yet again! Truthfully they probably just got caught up in other matters and forgot; At least that's what we like to tell ourselves!
Stay on Your Side of the Bed
The early stages of the relationship are so exciting, and then when the honeymoon phase hits, you find yourself always wanting to be with your significant other. But what happens when you're married, living in a suburban neighborhood, and exhausted from taking care of the kids and working a full-time job?
Suddenly, personal space becomes a luxury, and even a king bed seems too small. After a long day of married life, this woman was not happy to find her husband's knee on her side of the bed. Let's be honest, the bed's big enough for two people, so he better stay on his side!
Avoiding the Dinner Dilemma
For anyone who considers themself to be somewhat indecisive and looks to their spouse to make most of the decisions, this one's for you! To avoid coming off as uncertain all the time, make yourself appear to be accommodating by asking your significant other what they want for dinner.
That way, you'll rarely have the stress of making the decisions, and you'll please your spouse at the same time. Sounds like a win-win, right?! Just don't let them figure out your little strategy, or they might beat you to the question next time. Ahh, married people problems!
Keeping the Spark Alive
Many people wonder how to keep the spark alive after years of marriage. Some say avoid fighting at all costs, but this woman has a different perspective. She claims that her husband constantly complaining about her desire to argue about everything actually helps the relationship.
Does anyone else agree with her? While most people don't want a marriage full of arguments, apparently, in some cases, it's the hidden spark that a couple needs to keep things exciting. This woman seems satisfied with her little tactic, but do you think her husband feels the same?
Obey the Rules, Or Else
Let's take a moment to travel back in time to the days when the Ten Commandments were created; Emphasis on the 10, since that was all that was needed. However, this guy couldn't help but point out that his wife felt the need to create 142 additional commandments, just for their house.
Do you think she actually wrote out a list of every single house rule? She probably started with things related to cleaning, maybe limiting her kid's screen time, and mentioning homework, but what else is there to say? Everyone's entitled to their own way of doing things, but 152 household commandments seem like a lot to remember.
Expert Detective Work
There's something so irritatingly satisfying about catching someone in the act after they'd thought they were sneaky enough to hide their guilt. For instance, this woman was greeted one night by her husband, who was covered with evidence. Apparently, he'd been up to no good on his way home from work.
Based on the pizza sauce on his collar, it was clear that he'd stopped for a pre-dinner snack but didn't even have the courtesy of bringing some home for his wife. She couldn't stand the smirk on his face; He was convinced he'd gotten away with the crime. Little did he know, his wife knows everything.
First Date vs. Marriage
It's no secret that relationships change for better or worse over time, especially when both people get more comfortable around one another. Early on, the person planning the date usually does their best to impress their significant other with a romantic gesture.
After being married for a few years, this lady was pleasantly surprised when her husband planned a night to celebrate the anniversary of their first date, and she remembered why she'd fell in love with him; Until he brought her to the wrong movie theater, and she remembered the man she's married to today. But hey, that's marriage!