A Workaholic's Guide to Vacations

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It’s finally spring which means it’s *almost* summer which means any minute now you, yes you, could end up being invited on or planning a vacation. “What’s that!?” you cry in despair as you picture some kind of weird vacuum or worse, an invasive medical procedure. But don’t worry! A vacation is just the term used to describe the time when you’re not working, doing chores, or sleeping. So here’s your ultimate guide to not working, at all, not even a little bit! Don’t be scared!

The first thing to consider when planning a vacation is whether you’re a sun person, or a snow person. This can be determined by which wallpaper on your desktop you most enjoy looking at. Is it a beach? You probably should vacation at a real beach. Is it a mountain? Try a skiing or hiking holiday! Is it a picture of your children? Maybe a family trip to Disney World is in order. Is it a black nothing? Try LA.

When packing for your trip, remember, there won’t be any meetings. Nope, not even a Monday morning check in or a town hall. So feel free to bring whatever you would normally wear for casual Friday. Also, if you own a pair of shorts, maybe because of the gym or something, feel free to bring those, too. See, vacation is like a summer Friday, but a lot longer and it actually exists.

On vacation, your time is your own. So there’s no need to call your boss at various intervals throughout the day to “check in.” You also don’t need to do any spreadsheets or expense reports, and so it’s important to make sure all this freedom doesn’t go to your head. Try to keep a basic schedule to avoid melting into an amorphous blob because, like a shark, if you stop moving you will die.

Finally, one of the most important things to remember on vacation is this: do not stare directly into the sun. You may never have spent this much time with so few barriers between yourself and its rays, and if you work in an office with no windows, you may find your breath taken away by the Apollo’s raw might, and be tricked into thinking you can absorb some of his power. But that’s probably just the first dose of vitamin D you’ve had in months, plus a sunburn. So please, wear sunglasses and sunscreen at all times.

Now you’re ready for your first ever vacation, or as you might feel more comfortable calling it, your “week of decreased e-mail output.” So get out there and relax! And, if you have any trouble relaxing, just imagine that your boss will fire you if you don’t, and try to forget that every day you’re away from your office, someone else is surpassing you. See, that was easy.