My personal suggestions?

• BMW: The Ultimate Driving Machine
• Maxwell House:  Good to the last drop
• American Express: Don’t leave home without it
• Forbes: Capitalist tool.
• JC Penny’s:  It’s all inside
• Nokia:  Connecting people

I think the patriotic paper is what really sells it.

Still, Reuben has some serious napping skillz.  I wake up if I hear a fly fart across the street.  This guy could sleep through a Michael Bay film (which I actually wish I could do too):

Now I’m all for creative casting and artistic license, but when you think of “Luigi” what comes to mind?  A short, plump Italian with a giant mustache and suspenders.  NOT a tall, skinny Puerto Rican who’s freshly shaven and wearing a bad shirt from the Gap.

Thankfully the team over at pixelspersecond have given us the Super Mario Bros. movie we’ve always wanted.  Complete with ‘shroom-induced hallucinations, Kart racing, and a perfect ending:

Yes …. I too uh gained that 10lbs in an attempt to be funny. Thunder thighs are HILARIOUS.

Oh, and here’s a great picture of our favorite gang.

Oh and NPH (Neil Patrick Harris) is back and he’s badder than ever. The first two films avoided the subject of NPH being gay, but this one finally seems to acknowledge it.

There’s nothing to add. This pic makes me happy.

Admittedly, there is something uncomfortable about this guy just flinging the wasp (SPOILER ALERT!!!!) to it’s death, but at the same time it’s utterly fascinating seeing nature go to work.

Where do people find these mutated giant bugs? I (thankfully) never see any creepy crawlies that big walking around my garden. It’s a good thing too, because I’d probably transform into a giant vagina if I did see that thing in real life.

Top YouTube Comments:

3. Hay it’s a real life Pokemon battle.
2. That wasp is going to have some ripped abs.
1. Was this video narrated by Seth Rogan?

If you’re like me, you probably read the whole thing again.  Just in case you suddenly contracted a rare form of dyslexia that momentarily rearranges “we’d be idiots not to hire you” into “go away or we shall taunt you a second time.”

Worse, whenever I read one of these lovely form letters, I always imagine that it was written by some smug bastard who secretly delights in sticking it to the “commoners.”  You know, like this guy:

Or, as I like to think of him:

Well, I think I found a healthier way to deal with this kind of rejection.  Instead of drowning your sorrows in cheap beer, why not send a letter like this?

(As seen on SiCK My dUck.com)

So here it is, from the classic show, Step by Step:

Has there ever been a douchier character than JT (played by Brandon Call)? I mean, even 15 years ago he looked like a total douchebag. Also, in the spirit of randomness, here is your random Brandon Call FACTOID. FACT – Brandon Call was originally cast as Kevin Arnold in Wonder Years, before ultimately being replaced by Fred Savage.

Detective Robert DiGiacomo was in an unmarked vehicle around 7:15 pm on Saturday, looking for a suspect in an assault. Police say Micah Calamosca opened the car door, sat down and told the officer to get out.

Calamosca, 21, then told DiGiacomo his antics were all part of the script for new Caped Crusader film The Dark Knight Rises, which was being filmed nearby.

Part of being a good villain is that you need to be quick on your feet. We all make mistakes. That’s just part of life, and making these mistakes is how we learn and become better at our craft. Calamosca is a certified badass. Not only is he a great liar, but he also attempted to play a Jedi mind trick on the cop: “You are not being car jacked. You are in a movie.”

That’s some serious jadu right there.

There’s three great parts of this video:

1.) Gordon’s face. Has anyone ever been so angry at something that they’ve made THAT face? I think we’re all capable of doing that, but I just can’t recall ever being so mad that I would actually make that face.

2.) The face the other news anchor makes at 1:03. It is kind of cute. Almost like a little kid.

3.) The anchor tries to play it off as technical difficulties, even though EVERYONE saw it.

Top 3 YouTube comments:

1. U Mad?
2. Best George Bush Impression Ever (1:03)
3. Reported like a boss.

Either way, it’s still pretty funny.  Let’s face it, every now and again smug cats need to be put in their place:

A trick like this wold never get old…  You know, until the cat figures out that it can go all Wolverine on this guy’s toy.

(via)

Watch it because a guy watching this drunk idiot has one of the best laughs ever:

The question is:  Where do all of these unbelievably cute videos come from?

Internet, meet Kittywood Studios:

(via laughingsquid.com)

(Via Reddit)

And it’s okay. I’m from New Mexico.

Like how he’d deal with a terrorist.  And why he can’t make it through the night without peeing in his pants.

(Editor’s Note:  These same questions were asked to John McCain in the last presidential debates and I personally don’t think he answered them better than this kid does.)

(Via)

Also if you’ve ever fantasized about a John Stamos sex tape or a Bob Saget sex tape, then this is a good compromise. You get a little bit of both. Well at least you get the cuddling part.

The only thing that would have topped this, is a threesome with Dave Coulier. Maybe the rumors of him being difficult to work with prevented that:

It’s a shame, because I was looking forward to Coulier on Coolio.

But people have been wondering exactly how he planned to influence the upcoming elections.

Wonder no more…

Rule #2: Ignore rule #1 if an attempted foreclosure lets you stick your foot in the ass of The Man – sideways, with a half-twist of irony:

He didn’t invent it. These guys did:

The original is good. But nothing will ever beat these:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SAAi_42uIkQ

No you’re not supposed to JUST eat/lick your ice cream.

Instead you need to invert your spoon and flap your mouth around a billion times like an idiot. Now that’s a 10.

Who’s Fleece Johnson, you ask? Fleece Johnson IS the Booty Warrior:

There’s two things that quickly struck me of this video.

1.) The editor tried desperately to place some sort of moving/serious music over this ridiculous piece. Even Fleecy couldn’t keep a serious face.

2.) Fleece Johnson, in his prime would grab popo (police) booty as well.

This begs the question, why is Fleece no longer in his prime? Is he now longer a warrior?

For those curious, the Boondocks had a take on Fleece Johnson:

Raise your hand if in your head you snorted and asked, 'did I do that'?

If you’re like me, you’ve been having Family Matters and TGIF withdrawals for YEARS. Well, that can stop for the next four minutes, thanks to Cee Lo Green. I’m not sure if Cee Lo was trying to recreate the Family Matters magic, but if he was, he did a good job. Even that girl looks like Laura Winslow.

Sidebar, but am I the only one who always thought that Urkel could have done better than Laura? I sort of felt … scratch that feel, to this day that he could have done better. Sidebar 2. I always found it problematic that the writer’s of Family Matters sent the message that Steve shouldn’t really embrace himself and instead should use a magic machine to make himself more attractive to a girl that doesn’t think twice about him. It’s okay. Stephan is so smooth that he makes me forget about any thematical gripes I have.

Ten years ago those pants would have been better suited for Steve. Now they’re Stephan cool. Cool.

If you know more than two “You might be a redneck jokes,” then I hate you.

Stolen (ironically) from StuffIStoleFromTheInternet.com and howtobeadad.com.

(From the fine folks over at SMBC)

A sexy photo shoot featuring super model Kate Upton?  Great idea.

Letting Ken Jeong photobomb all of the shots?  Pure genius.

(As seen on Buzzfeed)

And if that doesn’t convince you how smart sharks are, this will…

You think they don’t know how popular Shark Week has become?

A word of warning: If you choose not to follow Mr. Black’s advice?  Then your brain has to accept that Sarah Palin’s hair salon in Moosefart, Alaska just got its own reality TV show.

Hear that sound?  It wasn’t an asteroid smacking into your backyard. It was television hitting rock-fucking-bottom.

But I know what you’re thinking…  If I stay home, how will I ever entertain myself?  I ‘ve seen the entire Internet and Shark Week is almost over.

One word kids –  science!

Instead, do something productive and consider this plan from the folks over at Poorly Drawn Lines.  Seems like a good idea to me:

Instead of this:

Then you can probably stop reading.  But if you spent too many hours hanging out with Zack, Slater, Screech, and Kelly Kapowski, then I’ve got the game for you:

Just take a deep breath.  Caldwell Tanner and Rosscott Nover have come to your rescue.

(SPOILER ALERT: You’ll probably end up being a dick anyway.)

If you routinely find yourself in need of guidance, posters can be purchased here.

But leave it to the Aussies to take things to a whole new level.

According to a recent article, a man in east Melbourne has unleashed an 18-month “reign of terror” against his neighbors.  As is so often the case, the feud started over landscaping and quickly escalated into something you’d see on COPS (or more likely, RENO 911!).

For instance, when a married couple asked Mr. Muscat to stop blowing dirt into their yard, the “neighbor from hell”:

• headbutted the husband
• shoulder-charged his wife
• and then went after them both with the leaf blower

So much for love thy neighbor.

But Mr. Muscat wasn’t done.  To clear up any confusion about his feelings toward the rest of the neighborhood, he pulled out his chainsaw and created this work of art in his front yard:

Which at first seems pretty funny.  Until you actually look at the sculpture.  Wouldn’t it make a lot more sense if it was rotated 180 degrees?

Unless I’m looking at this wrong, this dude just flipped himself the bird.

You can run.  You can hide porn on your computer.  But no one escapes the soul searching eyes of HypnoPug!  Prepare to be judged!  You’ll never be the same again!

To save up enough money, I had to live on Natty Light and Ramen noodles for a week and sell every bodily fluid I could spare.  And I still didn’t have enough to upsize my popcorn.

So you can imagine my frustration when the jackasses sitting behind me were hellbent on talking through the entire movie.  Which might have been okay if they had something insightful or funny to say.  Instead it was like listening to a DVD commentary featuring two people who never bothered to watch the first seven films.

At one point, Dipshit A told Airhead B: “Sorry, I really thought there would be more vampires in this.”

Welcome to my hell.

Why can’t the people who sit behind you at the movies ever be funny?

Well, if you listen to the guys over at RiffTrax, they can be.  Powered by the creators of Mystery Science Theatre 3000, their commentaries for Twilight, Titanic, Harry Potter, Star Wars, and a bunch of other popular films are great fun.  They just celebrated their fifth birthday as a site and this compilation of their work is definitely work a look:

Is that you probably know someone who’d be perfect for this shirt:

Step 1: Find footage of a minority (preferably black, any age is acceptable).
Step 2: Cut the footage in any creative way to make the minority look violent.
Step 3: Have your newscasters shake their head in disapproval.
Step 4: Rinse and repeat.

Some of you are visual learners. So here is your visual:

In WBBM’s defense, the news station did apologize:

We accept responsibility for the mistakes that were made, both in the reporting and editing of the story. The video of the child should not have aired. As soon as news management identified the problem, they took immediate steps to ensure that the video would not air in subsequent newscasts. In addition, we have followed up with our employees to make sure that we all have learned from the mistakes that were made.

I’m glad WBBM used this as a learning tool. Everyone makes mistakes … like accidentally being racist and then creating a new story about it. It could happen to anybody. No need to fire anybody. It was just an honest mistake.

*eyeroll*

Said McMillin, “”I was horrified. I am embarrassed … It’s wrong. If you don’t like the way someone looks, don’t look at them … I hadn’t done anything obnoxious or outlandish.”

Uh, right.

Does this woman really feel like she was violated? Surely she realizes she was violating everyone that has vision. Right? Ugh, I vomited a little bit after rewatching this video. Put some damn clothes on, Sandy.

Reasons for it being cute:

1.) Asian baby times two.

2.) Well-rehearsed.

3.) One knows the words to the song.

Reasons for it being creepy:

1.) There’s two of them and they look exactly the same. How do we know they’re not cyborgs?

2.) How many babies can actually be so well-rehearsed? Makes sense if it is a robot baby.

3.) WHAT the hell is going on behind the door? Is it a door to Dimension X? JESUS.

So, Comedy.com fans, is it creepy? Text “Yes” to 992344 if you think yes it is not creep and “No” to ABCDEFG if you think no, it is really creepy. Standard text messaging rates apply. If enough people vote yes, I will make my own Asian baby.

Credit to Mike Mitchell.

Probable answer? Not fast enough, because the appropriate speed for this doesn’t exist. Yet.

The real shame is that Jay won’t be doing another dance in quite some time. Instead, he’ll be holding a YouTube press conference to say a very important message. Maybe he’s proposing to his lady?

Top three YouTube comments:

1.) “I wish this dance was for me.” – Get in line, buddy.

2.) “Thanks, I have always wanted to learn the hermit crab dance.” – Now you know it.

3.) “I love it if I was a woman or a homosexual that’s how id want a man to dance.” – Liar. If you were once straight you’re now at least a little gay for this.

The great thing about this video, is that no one is really an ass to our friend, Jay. YouTube might be the most racist, hate-filled place on the planet. But not here folks. A dance for the lady brings the world together.