Who doesn’t love a little self-love every now and then? Since nothing goes together better than the Internet and masturbation, I thought I might help you out with a little masturbatory education today. I did a few hours of “research,” and realized that lots of people have lots of different techniques for getting themselves off. And most of them are pretty damn funny. So, I put together this list of 10 Funny Masturbation Tips. And when you’re done, if you’re looking for a little more “inspiration,” I recommend you check out our list of The 6 Strangest Workouts For Women or The 10 Most Ridiculous XXX TV Parodies.
10. “It’s like jerking off together, but not gay…”
In this scene from the movie Zak and Miri Make a Porno, Jason Mewes explains to Seth Rogen what a Dutch Rudder is and why he should try it. And yes, it’s as uncomfortable looking as it is brilliant.
9. “Feels exactly like I’m jerking off a stranger…”
Comedian Dan Mintz explains his favorite masturbation technique, “The Stranger,” which he explains in detail at the 59-second mark.
8. “You huddle together in a group and everybody reaches in and you help yourself…”
There’s 7 minutes of hilariousness in this clip of a bunch of comics playing poker from Louis CK’s new TV series, but you can fast forward to the 1:50 mark to learn about the latest in gay group masturbation techniques.
7. “I went there just to masturbate because I lived with my family…”
You know you take your masturbation seriously when you go on a 3-day “masturbation tour.”
6. “You think I’m sitting at home doubleteaming myself?”
In this Chelsea Handler stand up video, Chelsea warns about the dangers of buying vibrators on eBay among other things.
5. “Look at me Dave! I’m stiff as a board!”
This sketch goes out to all you guys who may be masturbating a little too much these days. Your socks would like to have a few words with you.
4. “The other day my roommate walked in on me while I was masturbating…”
This Nick Thune video about masturbation is short, but it packs an important life lesson about masturbation technique.
3. “Do you hate women, but still want blowjobs?”
This video explains in great detail how to create your own “Facesturbator.” Yeah…that’s a thing.
2. “I don’t dare tell you…”
Who better to ask the secret of life than a wise old celebrity like Ernest Borgnine? And apparently, who better to answer.
1. “You can have a lovely time tugging the tiger in the shower each morning, that eliminates the need for a goo glove…”
This clip from Weeds features a kid’s uncle teaching him everything he needs to know about masturbation, including such observations as “Tissues are a perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian” and “Slip the peel over your Randy Johnson and start pitching.”
This post was written by Josh Spector, who just remembered how much he loves Weeds.