Before everybody starts complaining about the new batch of reality show cliches, just try to honestly remember how bad most sitcoms used to be. At lunch we were pretentiously discussing the creative integrity of BBC shows for ending themselves before they were creatively spent, and the freedom alloted to animation shows like The Simpsons for never having to age their characters. Don’t get us wrong, we also discussed strip clubs. But in 1974, The Brady Bunch was in its final season and added it’s young ‘Cousin Oliver’ to the mix. The term ‘Cousin Oliver Syndrome’ has been used ever since when producers introduce a young character to the mix to replace aging child stars. The results are always terrible. Here are the 5 worst ‘new cute kid’ TV characters from the past 30 years. Enjoy yourselves.
5. Nicky and Alex Katsopolis, Full House (1992)
Have mercy! Let’s say your name is ‘Uncle Jesse’ and you’re old rocker friends with The Beach Boys and your TV show producer wife gets pregnant. Would you get your own place? Naw. Just live in the fucking attic of your buddy’s house. Nevermind 9 people live there. The kids will be cute little Dutch Boys who laugh at Uncle Joey’s goddamned moose impressions. Except the audience didn’t give a shit, while the Olsens went on to create Dualstar and make billions off of shit like To Grandmother’s House We Go. You DON’T got it, dude. Oh yeah, and you’re in big trouble misters.
4. Seven Wanker, Married With Children (1992)
Peggy had some hillbilly family in Wanker County, Wisconsin (”home of the gassy beaver”). Pretty highbrow stuff. Bobcat Goldthwait and Linda Blair played his parents – Cousin Zemus and Cousin Ida Mae. Until he went missing or something the next season. Holy shit, that’s great writing! Never mind that Wisconsin has pretty much nothing to do with turn-of-the-century Appalachian bumpkin stereotypes. Just give us more queefing jokes! They were from Jack-offsvile, where pussies queef and whatnot! Best. Show. Ever.
3. Andrew Keaton, Family Ties (1986)
Poor guy. You thought Tina Yothers had it rough in adolescence. Alex P. Keaton wouldn’t be caught dead with this creep now. Even though Keaton was a Republican and, from the looks of him, Andrew probably supported Sarah Palin. He got those vampire teeth by sucking the life out of this series and forcing everyone to watch A Different World on Thursdays, following The Cosby Show. Which reminds us…
2. Olivia Kendall, The Cosby Show (1989)
You probably know her better as Raven-Symone. And she was Denise’s stepdaughter. Remember? Rudy went through an uncute period and Denise met that Naval officer in Africa? That was before Cousin Pam also moved in to the house and really fucked things up. Anyway, the final season’s plot line revolved around Olivia increasing exponentially in size until she finally eats Cousin Pam in the series finale, right before the credits roll. Then she mugged to the camera and said something about pudding.
1. Scrappy-Doo (1979)
Because the other series’ we’ve mentioned had the handicap of not getting to use animation, inserting a cartoon puppy into the mix of other cartoons wins the award for creative desperation. Although we admit that we like that Scrappy-Doo’s mother’s name is Ruby-Doo. Still. It’s animation. You don’t need to suck the same way regular shows suck.
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