We’re going to go ahead and assume you’ve seen the Bush Shoe Throwing video by now. And since none of the shoes connected with President Bush, we can start the discussion of what shoe would hurt the worst to get hit with. Luckily, Comedy.com’s fashion correspondent, Mike Burns, is on the case with “The 5 Worst Shoes to Have Thrown at You.” Enjoy.
5. One of Carrie Bradshaw’s Manolo Blahniks
Ever get hit by a horse shoe? Fuck that must hurt.
Ok, it’s a cheap overdone joke, I know. This isn’t NPR, get off my back.
*Better Option: Not making jokes about Sarah Jessica Parker looking like a horse. It seems so frat-ish, cruel and undeserved. Better to take shots at Heidi and Spencer for not being able to tell which one is the blonde butthole that shat out the other one or something of the sort. Get creative, kids!
4. One of your Sperry Top-Siders that your Dad whipped at you for being an idiot and forgetting to mow the lawn.
Sperry’s are cool and all, but not when you had to get them in the fall for Catholic school when all your public school friends got to get new sneakers. Christianity has no taste.
*Better Option: The Air Jordan IV. Be Like Mike’s the only God who’s ever walked the earth. Ever watch Jesus of Nazareth crush the Lakers on a Sunday afternoon? I didn’t think so. Rings make better jewelry than nails. (I really need that on a t-shirt)
3. An Ugg Boot worn by Britney during the “crazy days”.
Ever smell a nasty old slipper because your brother shoved it in your face? Now picture it boot sized and full of Frito funk from a hillbilly who frequently goes barefootin’ and probably just walked through a pile of her baby’s poo.
*Better Option: A K-Fed blanco blanco Nike Air Force 1. But barely. AF1 nurses’ shoes are just as over as any rapper who still wears them. I’m looking in your direction, Fat Joe.
Hmm…on second thought, I’d rather have the baby poo thrown at me.
2. A Timberland worn by O.D.B.
I don’t care what the Wu-Tang says, those dehydrated dick pee yellow stompers are made in China garbage, and after being drug all over the Brooklyn zoo by an unwashed crack head, I’d hate to have it slung at my noggin’. No disrespect to the late, great Big Baby Jesus.
*Better Option: The Red Wing 8130 Black Chrome. If Barack was a boot, he’d be this one. Own the block, son!
1. The David Robinson Nike 180 Air Max Pump
A horrible behemoth of a sneaker, worn and endorsed by the one of the most boring NBA superstars of all time.
*Better Option: The Reebok Dee Brown Pump. I’d rather look good and lose, than look bad and win. Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson taught us that.
