Comedy.com’s Rocker Correspondent, Mike Burns, also moonlights as our Food Correspondent. Today, we got the perfect mix. Fresh from his coverage of the Guitar Hero World Tour premier, here is his list of the Top 7 KFC Future Menu Items and Their Slogans.
KFC’s Fully Loaded Box Meal, Guitar Hero World Tour Edition
Clint Eastwood? Charles Bronson? Steve McQueen? Dick Butkus?
My vote for tough guy of the century would have to go to KFC.
Because if you thought they had some balls coming out with their obnoxious lard laden “bowls”, then the Colonel just kicked your front door in with double middle fingers blazin’, spit in your face, kicked your dog, then pulled down his Levi’s and bent your wife over in front of you when they released, “KFC’s Fully Loaded Box Meal”.
The “Box” includes:
1 Original Recipe Snacker
1 Original Recipe Chicken Leg
2 Crispy Strips
2 Sides
1 Biscuit
32-ounce Drink
With the slogan, “MAN, THAT’S A LOT OF FOOD”, even the Colonel himself is shocked at this mascot for gluttony.
Add on the fact that it’s marketed to “gamers” and you can almost guarantee that millions of man tits will be making that leap from B’s to C’s. Some executive must have thought, “Nothing says rock ‘n’ roll video games like fried chicken and boy boobs”.
Given the fact that KFC obviously can’t be stopped in its quest for arterial domination, here are the Top 7 Future Menu Items and Their Slogans For KFC:
7. The KFC Trough
A 20-gallon cardboard/faux wooden trough filled with KFC gravy, Pepsi, Honey BBQ Chicken Wings, and corn cobs.
Slogan: “GET ON YOUR KNEES AND EAT IT YOU FAT FUCKING SOW!”
6. The KFC Big Mac Salad Bag
A KFC employee will run down to the nearest McDonald’s, order 6 Big Macs, place them unwrapped in a KFC bag, then stomp on it 7 or 8 times. Drenched in Blue Cheese Dressing and served with an ice cream scoop.
Slogan: “WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO? GO HOME AND CRY ABOUT IT, MCDONALD’S?!”
5. The KFC On The Go Smoothie
A 5-gallon bucket filled with a blended mixture of fried chicken skin, gravy, biscuits, cole slaw (for health), butter, honey, and mashed potatoes.
Slogan: “LADIES, GET THAT ASS BIG, SEXY, AND SPANKABLE”
4. The KFC Toilet Clogger, “Roseanne” Edition
An Original Recipe 57-piece trash can with a plunger and a 24-pack of toilet paper.
Slogan: “GUARANTEED JOHN GOODMAN SIZED DUMPS”
3. The KFC Chicken Whip
A KFC employee duct tapes you to a tree outside and whips chicken as hard as he can at your face while he insults your mother.
Slogan: “THIS IS HOW I SLAP YOUR TUBBY MOM’S FACE WITH MY DICK”
2. The KFC Dessert Trunk
Pull up to the drive-thru, and the attendant will fill your trunk with KFC’s famous jello parfait. Pull into a dark parking lot, climb in naked, and writhe around while you pretend you’re back in the womb.
Slogan: “HERE YOU GO YOU SICKO, JUST DON’T DO IT ON OUR PROPERTY”
1. The KFC Dumpster Diver, “Diddy Edition”
For just $4.99, you get unlimited access to the KFC dumpster and grease bins. And for no reason at all, Sean Combs is associated with it.
Slogan: “JUST LIKE OLD COUNTRY BUFFET, BUT WITHOUT ALL THE PRETENSION. BAD BOY!!!”
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