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Recasting the ’80′s: Cheers


Our ListMaster, Mike Bridenstine, is on his high horse after casting our upcoming Comic vs. Comic video and has decided to try out his newfound casting expertise on classic sticoms from the ’80′s. Although Life Goes On might be more difficult. But nonetheless, here is his take on Cheers. Enjoy.


Sam Malone



Sam is a former relief pitcher for the Red Sox, who owned the bar and tends bar. He is a recovering boozer and ladies man. Our choice: Ben Affleck. Who could be better as a Boston booze bag ladies man? Affleck is even a few years older than Ted Danson was when the show originally started. You’d be out of your mind to argue this one.


Diane Chambers



Diane is rich, snobby and overeducated. She also had a relationship with Sam and a lot of the sexual tension is between working-class Sam and high-class Diane. Our choice: Elizabeth Banks. Shelley Long was 33 when the show started. Banks is 34, from Massachusetts and just played the first lady. We were going to pick her Spider-Man co-star, Kirsten Dunst, but we don’t think Sam would want to bang her.


Rebecca Howe



Diane’s replacement and manager of Cheers. She is driven by her career, but she’s clumsy and neurotic. Our choice: Debra Messing. She’s got sitcom chops and is only 3 years older than Kirstie Alley was in 1987. The only problem for Messing is that, after she plays Rebecca, she’ll balloon to over 200 pounds and become a Jenny Craig spokeswoman.


Carla Tortelli



A real grossout waitress. She had lots of man problems and really disliked Diane. Our choice: Rachel Dratch. Dratch isn’t very Italian, but she is also from Massachusetts and would be pretty great as a sassy grossout waitress.


Woody Boyd



The lovable dipshit from Indiana. Our choice: Jay Baruchel. Woody Harrelson was only 24 when he started on Cheers. Baruchel is 26 and always plays dipshits. He’s Canadian, which isn’t too far of a stretch from being midwestern.


Norm Peterson



Norm is the bar’s best customer and big fatso. And he has a huge bar tab or something. Our choice: Horatio Sanz. He and George Wendt both have Second City Chicago ties. And he’s a great big fatso. The only problem is that Norm’s last name is ‘Peterson’ and Horatio is Chilean. BUT he does play Bill RICHARDSON on SNL and that dude is totally Mexican.


Cliff Claven



Norm’s bff and the bar’s know-it-all mailman. Our choice: Will Forte. We don’t want to go too SNL-heavy, but we do think Forte’s tendency to play dumb know-it-alls, along with his tendency to look good in a mustache makes him a good fit. Too young? Bullshit. Forte is 38, while John Ratzenberger (not to be confused with the Pope, Joeseph Ratzinger) was 35 when the show first aired.


Frasier Crane



He was on TV for twenty years. You know who he is. Our choice: Will Arnett. He’s got that voice. And he’s also funny when he plays a smarmy intellectual.


There it is. How did we do? We think you would totally watch that show. Argue away.


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