Long ago, the world was a primitive place where everyone invented gods and monsters to explain what was happening around them (and in some cases used mythology to annoy people with their cell phones). Some of these mythical creatures are awesome (a pegasus, anyone?) and some are not so good. Here is a list of the 13 Worst Mythical Creatures of all time. And most of them are from Japan.
Does anybody else think it’s weird that mermaids are supposed to be sexy? You don’t like mermaids. You like naked chicks. The fish part only makes it worse and smellier.
12. Kudan (Japan)
The Kudan is a human-faced calf which predicts a calamity and then dies. That’s awful. It would suck more if they were always wrong in their calamity predictions. Then absolutely nobody would care.
11. Aoandon (Japan)
This way-too-specific ghost is the spirit summoned at the end of a story-telling contest. “Booooo… that guy’s story was the best…. the other stories were boring…. booooooo.”
10. Konaki-Jijii (Japan)
Awww. Look at the crying baby. Don’t pick it up. Konaki-Jijii is an infant that cries until it is picked up, then increases its weight and crushes its victim. Can’t Japan just get vampires and werewolves and stuff?
9. Oboro-guruma (Japan)
This is a ghostly oxcart with the face of its driver. That sounds like a short story that even Stephen King turned down. “Hey man, your oxcart ghost totally looks like you.” “Oh, that’s just Oboro-guruma.” Terrible.
8. Nebutori (Japan)
This is a disease which causes women to grow fat and lethargic. We know some chicks we graduated high school with who must have gotten a case of the Nebutori.
7. Taka-onna (Japan)
This is a female spirit that can stretch her legs to peer into the second story of a building. That’s one of the worst superpowers we’ve ever heard of. Can she at least dunk? No? All she can do is look in second story windows? That’s worthless.
6. Oozlum bird (Unknown Origins)
This creature is a bird that flies backwards. So let’s get this straight… you just took something that wasn’t scary and made it do something equally not scary? Good thing the country of Japan has more crappy myths or this dud would be #1.
5. Tōfu-kozō (Japan)
It’s a ghost kid carrying around a block of tofu. “Boooooo boooooo… make sure to eat healthy…. boooo.”
4. Toire-no-Kanakosan (Japan)
A ghost who lurks in grade school restroom stalls. Hey – this doesn’t sound ancient at all. This sounds like some pervy dude in Japan just made it up so he could hang out in elementary school bathrooms.
3. Nuppeppo (Japan)
This little guy is an animated chunk of dead human flesh. How can something be so disgusting and adorable at the same time? Oh, Japan. You’re the foreignest.
2. Makura-gaeshi (Japan)
It’s a spirit that moves pillows. No joke. It’s almost like ancient Japanese myth creators were like shitty ’80′s observational comics. “Don’t you hate it when your pillow moves when you sleep? Anyway, that’s done by Makura-gaeshi. Go build some statues.”
1. Obariyon (Japan)
It’s a spook that rides piggyback on a human and becomes unbearably heavy. That’s stupid. Most people who ride on you piggyback become, in time, unbearably heavy. You just put them down. Maybe somebody should tell that to Japan, the country with the worst myths ever.
In case we were too hard on Japan’s myths, we would like to add that they do have something called a Samebito, which is a demon shark. And that sounds pretty fucking awesome.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. ListMasters are shapeshifters that live in the mountains.