Dear Coordinated Clapping,
Hi! Bust a beat box out your mouth and say a prayer against racism in the South. Now join me as I type with the fury and the flavor for the fever of words strung together in a way that make some sort of sense.
Let’s get down on this. This will be a quirky Q & A sprinkled with some good old-fashioned clapping. I’m gonna listen to Dolly Parton as I write this.
Yee haw!
Hey Amber,
Why do you think banana is such a funny word? Thanks! Keep being funny.
Best,
Jessica
Jessica!
The word banana is funny because of the “nana” in it. Any word that includes a word that also means “grandma” is effin funny. Lets not forget slipping on banana peels, watching funny monkeys eat bananas, banana boats and banana splits.
Bananas are also fun for the ladies because we can put them in our underwear and pretend to have a penis – aka manana. Whenever I have a banana in my shorts around a guy and say, “You wanna cop a peel?” it freaks them out and it’s so hilarious. Bananas are a multi-tasking fruit.
Just a few months ago I made a t-shirt that says I’M A BANANA. When people ask me what it means I say, “I think you and I both know what it means.”
Then I glare at them and sprint off in the opposite direction. Sometimes they clap for me!
I hope this answers your question, if it doesn’t – stick a banana down your pants, dry hump the corner of a couch and let the laughter begin. Don’t forget to invite Grandma out for the fun!
Peace,
Amber
Oh my, my I’m going to cry. I’m listening to Dolly sing WALKING ON SUNSHINE and I feel like my feet are burning off of my body because I’m thinking about walking on sunshine. This song is so intense. Clap
two times at the same time if you want too. You’ll need two people do this, otherwise it’s impossible.
Dear Amber,
Why do most relationships end horribly?
Thanks,
John
Hey John,
Oh shit, I feel weird. I think I’m going to start speaking in tongues.
Bableahaniegila jighlenhe jubbla hadusteira jsoiqlkasaskdia.
Whoa! I just gave you a tongue lashing from God. Clap for me! This is one of the most important questions I’ve ever received and God friggin answered it. I don’t know tongues – I have no idea what I just said. Let me call God real quick.
(Dialing God’s digits. His ring tone sounds like Armageddon)
God: (picks up the phone)
Me: Are you there, God? It’s me, Amber.
God: Hello.
Me: What up?
God: Nothin, yo.
Me: Ok. Can you please tell me what Bableahaniegila jighlenhe jubbla hadusteira jsoiqlkasaskdia means?
God: It means “Hi. Where’s the post office?”
Me: What? I thought that was the answer to the mystery of relationships and it’s a question about the post office?
God: Exactly.
Me: WHAT? I don’t get it.
God: That’s why both you and John are single.
Me: Ok. Should we lick a stamp or something? That involves tongue and postage.
God: No. The post office is just a metaphor for sending, giving, and receiving things – actions that need to happen in a relationship.
Me: Fuck that. That’s why religion is all effed up because references, metaphors and analogies get mixed up in people’s brains.
God: Godspeed.
Me: I loved that movie.
The End.
I hope that helped you, John. Maybe you and I should date. Clap clap clap your hands if you want to be my boyfriend. (Beat) I don’t hear any clapping, hopefully that just means you lost your arms in the war
or something.
Ok, one last question. I’m listening to “9 to 5″ right now. It makes me feel like collecting unemployment. Clap clap! Oh shit, my lights just went out. Not because I own The Clapper, it’s because I don’t pay my bills.
Moving on, thanks for playing along. This guy needs a 9 to 5′er.
Howdy Amber,
Question for you… how do you suggest I save money? I’m really broke right now and only work part-time. I’m looking for more work, but it’s tough right now. Any money tips?
Thank you,
Robert
Robert!
Yes, I do have a money tip for you. Borrow it!
Seriously, screw this whole “don’t spend money you don’t have” crap. Borrow some bucks and fart a little while doing it. This will allow your personalized methane gas to unleash its smell onto the Universe
alerting the collective energy of your effervescent presence, all the while contributing to our failing economy with your borrowed money.
Otherwise you’ll end up staying home, isolating yourself from the world and miss out on the opportunities that might be waiting for you at a shopping mall, a movie theater or a sketchy medical clinic.
I was once offered a job while buying a bobble head doll at a thrift store from a dude named Marty. I farted right after he gave me my change and then he asked me to work for him. I said, “Sure”! He eventually creeped me out really bad and I had to quit because I was worried he might murder me. But I learned a lot, copied his business plan, and made a lot of money.
So, get out there and connect with people on someone else’s dime. When you run out of money again just fart, believe and receive. Repeat.
Clap your hands in the air – Dolly Parton’s boobs make people stare – she don’t care – she’s used to the attention she gets from her pair.
Ok. That’s all for now. I’m going to end this column by listening to Dolly’s song “Peace Train.” Check out this verse:
Now I’ve been crying lately
Thinking about the world as it is
Why must we go on hating
Why can’t we live in bliss
Think about it people, hop on the peace train. Toot toot! (I farted out these toots.)
The end.
Peace (train),
Amber
PS: I wonder if I have the clap (aka Gonorrhea). Nah, I don’t. Don’t hold your applause. CLAP!
Amber Tozer is a stand-up comic/writer living in Los Angeles. Everyone
tells her she’s adorable, but the only thing she sees when she looks
in the mirror are two eyes, a nose, and a mouth. You can email your
questions to her at ambertozer@gmail.com. Check her out -
www.myspace.com/ambertozer
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