On the way to work today we admit we listened to Jay-Z’s newish song “Jockin’ Jay-Z” and realized that a lot of rappers are going to have to stop bragging about their money. The country could be going into a crazy recession and nobody buys CDs any more. Unless you own a clothing line or were an early investor in Vitamin Water, we don’t believe you have a Benz made out of alligator diamonds or whatever. So we thought we would help out. We’ve done it before with rap names. Here are 7 Things Rappers Can Talk About in the Recession.
1. Who Rocks the Party?
Remember that? Remember when MCs wanted us to throw our hands in the air and wave them like we just didn’t care? Maybe we should try that again. Because the repo man just took your peanut butter whip, your 20s, your ice and your grillz. And partying is cheaper than spinny jewelry.
2. The Cops
They were always a good go-to. There’s never enough anti-cop songs. Especially in hip-hop. What if we told you that Scarface from the movie Scarface hated the cops? Get on it.
3. Being the Best Rapper
Yes, right now only the best rappers rap about being the best rapper. Jay-Z, Lil’ Wayne, T.I., Kanye, whoever. But that’s because only a handful of people actually seem to be trying to be the best rapper. Or even a good rapper, for that matter. People used to actually brag about how good they were at rapping and not just at showing up on Cribs with a leased house with Craigslist hoes in their leased hot tubs. We’d like to see more of that.
4. Obama
Why not? Maybe he can help fix the economic crisis and get you back to waving your Rollies from side to side.
5. Getting Dirt Off Your Shoulder
Because there’s gonna be a lot more dirt on your shoulders.
6. Shooting People
It’s kind of how you made money and headlines in the first place. Shoot some people and make rhymes about it for Chrissakes.
7. When You Used to Have Money
We realize that “party” still rhymes with “Bacardi” and “bottles” still rhymes with “models”. It might be really inhibiting at first to not be able to come out with songs that don’t have money, cash and hoes and whatnot. But if you just throw in a “used to” or “was” before you mention that stuff, or just put it into a past tense, it’ll make it more believable and you’ll still get to talk about it.
You still have your mind, and it’s probably on your money. It’s just that now your money isn’t on your mind. Or something.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. He thinks the best investment is still baseball cards.
