Last week we warned you about the 8 Signs Your Fantasy Football Team Is Going To Suck This Year, but this week we’re taking a much more positive approach. Two weeks into the season, we know some of you (including us) are basking in the glow of a 2-0 record and your own fantasy football greatness. So, we thought now would be a good time to suggest some ways to make fun of the less fortunate owners in your league. Enjoy…
10. “Console” The Owner That Thought Tarvaris Jackson Would Be A Great Sleeper Pick
You can console him by reminding him that lots of other great quarterbacks have lost their jobs to Gus Frerotte. “Don’t worry, after Heath Shuler and Charlie Batch lost their jobs to Gus Frerotte they bounced back to have great careers. I’m sure Tarvaris will too.”
9. Refer To The Owner Most Likely To Get Thrown Out Of Your League As Scott Linehan
Any owner that’s already forgetting to submit his lineups and/or starting guys that are injured should immediately have his team renamed The Scott Linehan Experience and should be told that his future as a member of your league is listed as questionable.
8. If Brian Westbrook Is On Your Team, Send Desean Jackson’s Owner a Thank You Note
It can read something like this: “Dear Desean Jackson Owner, Thanks for leaving the ball on the 1-yeard-line for me last week, I really appreciate it. I would return the favor some time, but I’m much smarter than you so that probably won’t happen.”
7. Create A Rule That Any Owner Who Tries To Pick Up Tyler Thigpen In Free Agency Is Allowed To Have Him For Free
Because there’s some things that you really just can’t put a price on.
6. If You Have Phillip Rivers, Talk A Lot Of Trash This Week
Get your money’s worth of smack talk now, because this can’t possibly continue…can it?
5. Take Side Bets On Which Owner In Your League Will Pick Up Koren Robinson In Free Agency
The odds-on favorite should be whoever drafted Cedric Benson last year because it’s a safe bet that guy has no clue how to evaluate talent.
4. Pull A Vince Young On Owners That Are 0-2 So Far This Season
Pulling a Vince Young is when you call the guy’s mother, tell her that her son’s a terrible fantasy football owner, and then she worries that her son is depressed and calls the police.
3. Buy The Guy Whose Team You Just Beat A Gift
What better way to rub your victory in your recent opponent’s face than to send him a gift certificate for a subscription to next year’s Draft Dominator software with a note that says “Hey, great game. Thought you might need this next year so you can be a little more competitive.”
2. Email Some Pictures To LaDainian Tomlinson Owners
We’re not saying that LT has hit the wall quite yet, but emailing his owner a few photos of guys like Shaun Alexander and Priest Holmes with the subject of “What Do These Guys And LT Have In Common?” might not go over too well.
1. One Word: Scoreboard
The “Score-board!” chant is a timeless trash talking device and one we highly recommend using if your team happened to win last week. Just call, text, and email the guy you beat last week every hour on the hour for a week with the word “Scoreboard” and you will become a trash talking legend in no time. Though you also might get punched in the face the next time he sees you, but hey, no guts no glory.
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