The buzz around the Internet this week has been about Mini Me’s sex tape hitting the web. My assignment from Comedy.com was to sign up for SexWithMiniMe.com and give a review of the tape.
The site looked legit. There’re Austin Powers graphics some douchebag made and everything. There’re screencaps of Verne Troyer and whoever that girl is engaged in what-seems-to-be hilariously awkward sex acts. The top right image there is enough to make me laugh for the next decade. I knew it would be disgusting and I was kind of looking forward to it.
Once you pay your $10-$15 (luckily, not on my credit card), you have an option of four clips. I thought it was going to be the greatest clip viewing of my adult life. I was especially looking forward to Clip 4. Look at that shit. Man, I would have loved to have seen two horrible people have rancid, terrible sex for my viewing enjoyment.
Why?
The girl is the worst type of desperate social climber you’ll ever see. I don’t know her story, but I’m assuming it’s sad and attention-starved. She badly wanted to be known, so she dated and even had midget sex with Verne Troyer. It was my chance to see the amazing side-effects of living that type of lifestyle. I wanted to watch her life spiraling downward into humiliating footage of grossout shame-sex. I wanted to feel like she deserved everything I was about to laugh at.
I wanted to giggle while Mini Me made high-pitched squealy midget noises and wriggled around while he tried to mount her. It was going to be a comedy and a tragedy at the same time.
What did I get?
A video of some Mexican guy playing “Proud to Be an American” and “Yankee Doodle Dandy” with juggling balls on a piano keyboard. All 4 clips.
If I ever see that juggling piano guy, I’m going to punch him in his face. I wanted freak show sex and instead I got Mexican vaudeville.
I hope the building they run SexWithMiniMe.com in burns to the ground. I hate Mini Me and his stupid sex tape.
Comedy.com’s Celebrity Sex Tape Critic is Mike Bridenstine..
