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The first time you ride on a plane is exciting. Every time after that is aggravating. After a while, you start to see a pattern. The same horrible people you hated from your last flight are back in the form of a different person on your next flight. Here are the worst 12 people who are always on your flight. Yes, it’s airplane jokes. Let’s all get over ourselves…
1. The Fat Guy
Why do the fat Guinness Book motorcycle twins have to sit on either side of us on the plane? Can you have the fattest human you can find and have them take up all of our space in our seat? We’re practicing to be a human contortionist. Can you do that? If it’s not too much to ask, can you have them breathe as heavily as possible too? Who wants to sleep, anyway?
2. The Coming Back From Vegas Guy
Listen, man. We’re sure you have plenty of craaaazy stories. But you smell like a trashcan covered in Jager. You don’t have to rub your good times and annoying anecdotes in our faces. Thanks for quoting Swingers too, douchebag.
We should also mention that we’ve been this guy.
3. The Foreign Guy Who Doesn’t Understand The Seatbelt Sign.
Really? You don’t hear the noise and understand the fucking sign that is telling us to sit in our seats, foreigner? That international sign for seatbelts isn’t computing? Listen, none of us want to be sitting on an airplane. But you aren’t above the law. Why don’t you go suck at life back in your assigned seat.
4. The Baby.
The crying is annoying. But sometimes we make ourselves feel better by pretending the baby’s suffering is sweet justice for them kicking the back of our seat and shitting themselves during the flight. Say to yourself, “I hope whatever it is you’re crying about hurts, baby. I hope it hurts real bad”.
5. The Family of 8.
Wow, you’re all spit up in different isles but feel the need to shout your stupid inside jokes and bullshit to each other. “Mom, do you want an extra pillow?” “Whaaat?” “Do you want and extra pillow?” “What?” Is it possible for this plane to go down, but for only the 8 of you do die?
6. The Terrorist.
We shouldn’t have seen United 93 or whatever it was called. We shouldn’t have payed attention to the news 7 years ago. Don’t tell me you’ve never tried to play ‘Guess the terrorist’. He’s on your plane and you’ve got him in your peripheral.
7. The Girl in a Velour Jump Suit.
Thanks for dressing up, Raven. We get it. You’re above this. But your sunglasses and plane pajamas are a little insulting. Even though you’re kind of hot.
8. The Guy Who Can’t Figure Out the Overhead Compartment
Great. Thanks for slowing us all down, fuck face. Let’s take off and leave based on how stupid you are. Good thing you make a dumb face while you struggle with shutting the overhead door. Man, you suck.
9. The Over-Sharer.
No, no we don’t care where you’re flying or about anyone in your family. No, we don’t want to talk about ourselves with you, creep show. Read your book and leave everybody alone.
10. The Cell Phone Guy
Man, this guy really loves talking on the phone. Is it possible for you to speak loudly into your Palm Pilot until the exact moment the flight attendant tells you to turn it off? It is? Well, that’s terrific. We know that when we’re on a cell phone conversation, we also want a plane full of people to hear about it.
11. Loud Headphones Guy
What is that – Slayer? Why can we hear it as loud as you can? Why do you have no idea?
12. Small Bladder Lady
You’ve gotten up to pee 6 times now. Maybe you shouldn’t advertise that you have a messed-up bladder or vagina or whatever.
Okay. What did we miss? Feel free to tell us.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. His diet is making him crabby.
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