Are you a male douchebag? If you are then you probably own one of the following fashion items. Comedy.com’s fashion correspondent, Mike Burns, gives us the 9 worst recent fashion trends for douchebag guys.
9. Shirts That Make You Look Like You Have Full Sleeve Arm Tattoos
Dressing up like Tommy Lee on Halloween wouldn’t be cool, let alone on a night out to a shitty club. No one likes you.
8. Any Sort of Armband Tattoo
Unless you’re a UFC fighter, you should be made fun of for the rest of your life for that horrible mistake.
7. Ed Hardy Anything
Even black people couldn’t make that awful ugly garbage look cool.
You own these? Then you shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near a mall. You can’t seem to handle yourself.
Do you shit in the water fountains there too? There’s a good chance that you do if you also think it’s ok to buy shoes from Sketchers.
5. Those Stupid Giant Plug Earrings That Stretch Your Earlobe All To Fucking Hell
Nice work. It’ll take some attention away from your face tattoo when you’re 50 years old and still listening to Sublime. Always best to spread the ugly around on your entire face. That way no one will notice that your dreads are balding or that you’ve obviously been molested as a grade schooler.
It also means that you have an excuse to never stop doing heroin.
4. Dirty White Baseball Hats With “Cocks” Or “Beavers” On Them That College Jerkoffs Wore/Wear
Frats suck. Do your own thing, kids. Learning how to score your own pussy and booze is much more gratifying and valuable than having it given to you by someone who previously made you think you were drinking their piss.
3. Hemp Choker Necklaces and/or Puka Shell Necklaces
AGAIN, frats suck. Do your own thing kids. Using your independence as a young adult to find your own identity is much more gratifying and valuable than dressing like an Abercrombie advertisement just because your “bro” who previously made you put your balls in a tub of sour cream while he watched buys all of his accessories in Cancun .
2. Shirts With Flames On Them
If it’s the bowling shirt style? You have man tits that you’re hiding and are impotent at 34.
If it’s on a t-shirt? Your favorite band is the Offspring and you probably kiss your best guy friend sometimes, just until you get hard ons, then you’re both all like, “We have to stop Kevin! We’re not gay! My mom could come in my room any second! What are we doing?!!”
Then you watch each other masturbate because you don’t have the balls to fuck like men.
1. Yellow Lance Armstrong Bracelets
They’re for cancer awareness?
No, they’re to remind everyone how Lance USED TO have cancer but now he’s totally ok so let’s worship him in the tradition of Christ lovers wearing crucifixes.
Lance Armstrong thinks he’s better than you. Fuck him.
Awareness for your ball cancer? Sure, go hand those out in the terminal ward to lung cancer victims on their last punch of the life time clock. I’m sure that’ll be a real ray of sunshine. Maybe you can show them your piss colored bike while you oil up Matt McConaughey’s waxed pecs in front of some bald Leukemia kids while your at it. Good thing you sold all those dollar bracelets to hillbillies and asshole stockbrokers to wear with their suits. Everything’s gonna be just fine now thanks to all that publicity Nike and Lance got.
Which is why they made them in the first place. Notice the procedes from the buck a bracelets went to cancer research, but the 80 dollar Lance Armstrong inspired jackets and jersey’s went into Phil Nike and Armstrong’s pockets.
Armstrong’s a load.