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School is back in session, everyone. How was your summer? Ten years ago this week, I was a teenager entering my first semester as a college freshman. Here are 9 reasons why this year’s college freshman have it a lot better than I did back in 1998.
1. It was almost impossible to stalk people.
Some chick in your lecture hall is hot? Now you can just hop Online and see all of her naughty Halloween photos from last year on Facebook. You can also take part in the newfangled fad of telling everyone in the universe what you’re doing RIGHT NOW. Hiding in the bushes outside of someone’s dorm window is so ’90s.
2. We had to go to the library.
Don’t cry to me because your T.A. won’t let you use Wikipedia as a source for your paper. Only six nerdy eighth graders knew how to use Google in 1998. I think I used Alta Vista. Ewww. The rest of the time I had to get an actual book from the actual library for whatever bullshit my rhetoric teacher wanted me to write about. Double ewww.
3. I had to memorize people’s phone numbers.
A cell phone? In 1998? What was I – a millionaire? No. We used to have to check our answering machines when we got home from class. If you would have told me a cell phone could check email and go to websites the way they can now, my primitive ’90’s brain would have exploded. In the olden times, people memorized each other’s phone numbers.
4. We had to watch scripted television programs.
I guess we had The Real World: Seattle or whatever, but for the most part it was just laugh tracks and horrible premises about neighbors and dating. Now we watch people pick their husbands and wives on cattle-call reality shows, or send text messages to vote for who the next big pop star should be. Or watch old hasbeens try to lose weight. Or watch a bunch of rich kids in L.A. do nothing for 30 minutes. We had it so rough, man.
5. We had to buy CDs.
No iPods, no iTunes, nothing that started with a lower case i. Not even Napster. Times were real hard. And that Green Day “Time of Your Life” song was always on. And not even ironically.
6. We were caught up in home run fever.
Didn’t McGwire and Sosa have 40 home runs by the fourth game of the season that year? And we had no idea that they were all taking injections of horse tranquilizers and gorilla semen. As I’m writing this, it’s August and the guy who has the most home runs in the majors is Carlos Quentin with 35. The balls were juiced. We didn’t care. Plus, we had to watch the Yankees win the World Series. Groaner.
7. We wasted our time looking forward to the Star Wars prequels.
We’d have to wait an entire year before our childhood hopes and dreams were murdered by George Lucas, while Jar Jar Binks shat on their corpse. We didn’t know any better.
8. We were scared of getting terrorized… by white people.
Remember when it was white people that were batshit crazy with bombs and whatnot? And I’m not talking about the President. What are those people doing now? Al Qaeda totally stole their thunder.
9. We had no way to anonymously tell people they sucked.
Not unless drawing dicks on people’s dry erase boards outside their dorm rooms counts.
Ah, the good ol’ days.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. He probably forgot some things.
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