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Sometimes nature calls when you don’t want it to. Occasionally that time is while you’re at work. Here are 8 ways to let your coworkers know you’ve got to take a crap without actually having to day “I gotta go take a huge crap”.
“On My Signal, I’m Gonna Unleash Hell.”
You can combine your two favorite things to do at work – quote lines from movies and take dumps on the clock.
“I Gotta Go Talk to Patty Duke”
‘Dook’ or ‘dookie’ is a common-enough slang term for poop. ‘Patty’ makes it grosser. Plus, if your coworkers are hip to that, you can take it up a notch by saying you have to go because you’ve got “Identical Cousins”. It helps if they’ve watched Nick at Night.
“I Gotta Take the 8:15 into the City”.
It’s another way of saying you have to ‘take care of business’, but it incorporates Bachman-Turner Overdrive. And that makes you more manly.
Variations on “I’m Gonna Drop the Cosby’s Off at the Pool”.
You’ve heard this one before, we’re sure. You can also switch it up. There are plenty of other nostalgic black sitcom families to go around. The Jenkins family was on 227. The Jeffersons, the Winslows, the Banks’ or Tia and Tamera of Sister, Sister would all make excellent replacements. Or just say you have to hang with Mr. Cooper. Just make sure there are no African-American coworkers around. You’ll probably get beat up and promptly fired by HR.
“I’m Gonna Go See What Brown Can Do for Me”
It’s a UPS slogan. And shit is totally brown. Most of the time. If it’s not gonna be brown, switch out brown for whatever your ‘guess color’ is.
“I’m Gonna Tell Smithers to Release the Hounds.”
You get to use a Simpsons quote. If you do it in a shitty Mr. Burns voice you get double points.
“I Gotta Go Pitch Strikes to Pujols.”
There are plenty of baseball references that can be used. Other sports are good too. Tell them you have to “rain on the Rose Bowl”. Tell them you have to “shoot a two pointer” or get “three the hard way”.
“I’m Gonna Go Awkwardly Put My Dick Up Against the Inside of the Toilet Lid”.
Don’t ever use this one. But it’s something that happens.
We’d also love to hear your suggestions.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine. He is jealous of Michael Phelps.
To those of you that are visiting Comedy.com for the first time from eBaumsWorld, welcome! If you enjoyed this list, then you also might want to check out our lists of Reasons Why It’s Better To Be A College Freshman Now Than It Was In 1998, the Worst Recent Fashion Trends For Douchebags, and Denny’s Menu Items That Sound Like Dirty Sex Acts.
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