We think this Olympics coverage is getting to us. Michael Phelps is on his way to becoming the greatest Olympian ever. But here are 6 reasons we’re sick of him.
1. His Reaction to Winning the 400 Freestyle Relay.
Okay, dude. We’re happy you got another gold medal. Pull your goddamn Speedo thing up, hero. This is a sporting event, not the world’s gayest Abercrombie ad. Your team won by a fraction of an inch. Now we’re a fraction of an inch from seeing the base of your peen. Pull ‘em up.
2. George Bush is At Every Race.
We don’t want to be too political, so we’ll say this nicely. We wouldn’t want him at our important race. We’d be worried that Bush will pull a gold medal out of his pocket and award himself the winner or something.
3. Debbie Phelps
Can NBC please give this woman more coverage? Can they mike her so we can hear her scream during his races? Can we reiterate how she’s his biggest can and how words can’t express how much they mean to each other? Can we? This story is too good to go unmentioned!
4. His Toofs.
He’s holding up all of his bronze medals he won in the “Weirdest Smile” Olympics last year in Baltimore.
5. The AT&T “More Bars” Commercial.
Have you seen that commercial? Why did she move to a po dunk little town? Why in your po dunk town do they sell all that Michael Phelps shit? Why is he right down the street? Why did you not know? We wouldn’t care if not for your nauseating voice yelling “OR CRY” at the end. You’re like a young Kathy Bates from Misery.
6. Nobody Really Gives A Shit About Swimming.
Sorry. Swimming? You’re lucky all the track stars got busted for roids.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine.
