Don’t forget to check out J Chris Newberg’s previous column about how to write a dating mission statement.
Every day is shark week in Los Angeles.
My ex-girlfriend used to have shark week on a daily basis. It makes me long for a time when there was equal billing for badgers and ponies. Not really, but in fairness to the other forms of predators that successfully feed of the meek, let’s also shout out the rabbits and the snails.
Recently, I met an angel. Not a girl that dresses like an angel, because most seraphs dress surprisingly down. In fact, my angel was wearing sweatpants and had on a shell tops tee. This heavenly creature could do things most others could not. For starters, she could heal your heart.
I am sure that the immediate reply is, “Whatever, so can aspirin.” True, but can aspirin fly? Exactly. I’m just gonna continue.
So where was I? Oh yeah, I was hanging with a guardian and I kept hoping that no one would try and saw her because…(wait for it) there would be angel dust everywhere. Boo-Ya! Snap! Even in blogs, I’m riffin’.
She snuck up on me like a cloud. Literally, because at the time, I was at the sky mall buying a waterfall dog dish for Flower. That’s when she appeared to me and informed me that I was chosen. I was excited. I was amped. I mean, I am usually not chosen for much and when I am it’s never for any free goods or chocolate.
I asked what being chosen meant and she said that I could have any three wishes come true. I, being a comic, had many questions: Can I wish for endless wishes? Can I wish to change identities? Can I wish for super powers? Can I wish for a vampire’s autograph? Can I wish for another new Tupac CD? Can I wish for love?
The angel, and we will give her a name, let’s call her Super Apple was unaffected by my silliness. Apparently, she read my bio. Nice work Super Apple! I thought for a moment and asked if I could be with an angel. She smiled and said, ” Not dressed like that. I mean, I’m not gonna roll up anywhere with a rugged crew. My team is gonna be primed.”
I said, “What about funny? Isn’t funny the new black?”
She said, “Actually, African American has been and will always be the new black.”
Hmm… Okay, So I wished for make up. Two wishes to go. I wished for Fiona Apple to not talk between her songs and, just like that, Maya Angelou called me from the airport saying that she was in a panic sweat and that I needed to be careful what I wish for because now she had to go on tour with Fiona. Although, in your face Super Apple, I have just struck back by temporarily silencing the tiny genius when she wasn’t singing.
I don’t do drugs. I don’t sleep either. I do Boggle. One wish to go.
I wished for world peace, but I guess she thought I wanted world piece and she gave me Pennsylvania. The whole thing was super Tom Robbins and we moved into a cigarette box.
This is the favorite part of my writings, when I get to the point. However, this week I am just going to say that I don’t need to. I guess sometimes life kisses you with a coolness and an honesty that allows you to realize that there is heaven everywhere. Even at the Saddle Ranch.
I am I am I am J Chris Newberg.
Oh, and shark week. That just sounded funny. Shout outs to the line steppers and the coffee haters.
J Chris Newberg is a comic, actor, producer, song writer, and author living in Los Angeles and occasionally Detroit with his loyal and aging Cocker Spaniel, Flower. You can find him at jchrisnewberg.com, myspace.com/jchrisnewberg, or just google him because you know you want to. His column runs every Thursday.
