Do you smoke the Purple Haze? The Sticky Icky? Kind Mountain? Clam Bake?
Here’s the 7 Worst Actual Names Comedy.com street correspondent Mike Burns could find for varieties of medicinal marijuana.
1. Pancake Throatjam
This sounds like it makes you get so stoned you fuck your mouth with an IHOP breakfast and forget to drink your choice of milk, juice, or coffee to wash it down.
Either that or an overweight, gay, Pearl Jam cover band.
2. Fuzzy Ballsack
Wow man! Look at the hairs in that bud, dude!
Gross.
3. Sweet Billy Ocean
On second thought, this one is pretty cool. Big fan. Billy Ocean is the THE shit. And not in that knuckleheaded hipster ironic way either. You want a magical day-off afternoon? It involves pot, a Billy Ocean mix, and a bag of Cheetos. Life is short, kids. The sooner you figure out how to enjoy it properly, the better.
4. T.C.B.T.H.C.
Named specifically to entice 42-year-old weekend warrior douchebags who love when the shitty classic rock drive time DJ they listen on the way home from their shittier job plays Bachman-Turner Overdrive’s “Takin’ Care of Business” on Friday night, so they can roll the windows down, crank it up, and play air drums on their shittierer SUV, before they get home to put on their shittiest Hawaiian shirt and take their gross wife out for the shittierest meal ever at Applebee’s so she’ll pass her bloated ass out on the couch so he can smoke a limp dick joint in the garage and jack off to a crusty 2001 issue of Penthouse he keeps in his tool shed. What a pathetic waste that guy is.
5. Nazi Deathcamp
I don’t have the words for how offensive this is. It’s just too soon. Fuck it, it will ALWAYS be too soon to equate being high with anything involving “Nazis” or “Deathcamps”.
6. Judas Priest
I’m actually gonna have to okay this one too. Even bigger fan. Have you listened to “Heading Out to the Highway” or “Touch of Evil” lately? Unbelievable vocals, perfect guitar tone. Seriously. So fucking good. You disagree? You don’t like Priest because Rob Halford is gay? Then you’re probably in the closet and not man enough like Halford to come out. You self-hating homophobe, you.
7. Creed
The only one I actually bought and tried. “With Arms Wide Open” still sucks to listen to when you’re on it.
It did, however, make a few Limp Bizkit songs tolerable.
And it made me laugh really hard at myself thinking that “Limp Bisquick” would be a good name for a Limp Bizkit tribute band.
Actually, you’d have to spell it, “Limp Bizquik”. Which made me laugh harder. They should definitely tour with “Pancake Throatjam”.
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