Last Tuesday, a gigantic black man let me pass in front of him while we were both waiting in line at the grocery store. He had a cart filled with cat food and big black man supplements like Coke and frozen pizzas. I just had my little basket filled with a few trays of supermarket sushi.
As soon as I turned to thank him, my eyes met his. And his met my ass. And here’s the thing: my ass has never been my strong suit. I got my ass from my dad. I also got my chest from my dad, but that has more to do with the financial aspect of it all.*
I don’t have any “junk in my trunk,” so to speak. It’s like a kidnapper’s trunk: empty, with nothing that a captive woman could use to make an escape tool.
In order for me to acquire the “junk” that Fergie’s always rapping about, I’d have to be obese everywhere else. My butt refuses to acknowledge what’s going on with the rest of my body. It’s a rebel.
I felt like pointing to my chest and screaming at the guy, “Hey buddy, my eyes are up here!”
But I didn’t. Instead, I smiled and pretended I didn’t notice he was now licking his lips.
Then he told me something I’ll never forget:
“I wanna go wit you.”
Instead of smiling and ignoring him like I usually do when strange men say strange things, I decided to engage him.
“Where?” I asked.
And it should be noted that I did not say this sexually. I said it like he was offering me backstage passes to Ellen.
He responded, “Anywhere.”
Then I realized he was going somewhere with me in his mind that I would not enjoy.
So I said, “My mom told me not to talk to black strangers.**”
And it worked. He then saw me for what I was: a sexually awkward white girl with a plastic bag of sushi and an ass like a back. He gave up on me, like he should have, smiled, and told me to have a nice night.
I wanted to tell him I that I loved his work in The Green Mile and my nightmares.
But instead, I waved goodbye and turned to leave, shifting my grocery bag so that it covered the bottom of my back.
* J.K.! Rowling!
** The “black” was silent.
Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles. Go to www.myspace.com/nikkiglaser for info.
Comments