The name ‘Gary’ is pretty macho. And macho guys named Gary probably like to fight. Here are the top 13 Garys that we would like to fight. And why or how we would kick their ass.
13. Gary Carter
Because I hate the ‘86 Mets and don’t think he deserves to be in the Hall of Fame.
12. Gary Gaetti
For no reason whatsoever, other than I’d be able to tell my friends I fought Gary Gaetti. And what’s life without Gary Gaetti fight stories?
11. Gary Sinise
Because I keep getting him confused with other actors.
10. Gary “Baba Booey” Dell’Abate
Why don’t you produce yourself an ice pack after you meet my fists. Or something.
9. Gary Patyon
He was a great defender? Let me see him defend a tornado of teeth and nails.
8. Gary Sheffield
I wonder if baseball players will fight you if you just walk up to them on the street and whip baseballs at them. Only one way to find out, Sheffield. Jim Leyland can’t hold you back this time.
7. Gary Cooper
“You think you’re better than me, Cooper?” Then we’d have a showdown like in one of his Westerns. Except he’s totally dead.
6. Gary Oldman
“Fuck you, Dracula! Let’s take this outside! Come on, Dracula!” I think that’d crack him. He’d fight dirty.
5. Gary Shandling
I’d let him get a few punches in because I think he’s funny. Then I’d slap that grimace off of his funny face. Then I’d run.
4. Gary Kasparov
Me: Hey Kasparov, why don’t I shove one of those chess pieces up your Russian ass!
Him: Fuck you, bitch! I’ll fucking kill you!
Me: *Shoves a chess piece up Gary Kasparov’s ass*
3. Gary Coleman
I’d keep calling him ‘Webster’ until he couldn’t take it anymore. Then I’d attempt a powerbomb.
2. Gary Busey
Busey’s crazy. I’d wear a cup and keep making “Point Break” and “Rookie of the Year” references while I whaled on him.
1. Gary Glitter
I don’t like his “Hey” song. I don’t like his face. I don’t like his har. As soon as he gets out of Vietnamese child sex abuse prison, it’s so on.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine.
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