While Major League Baseball just announced its All-Star team, we here at Comedy.com went a different rout. Here are the MLB’s ugliest players by position. Enjoy. And before you cry because we made fun of your favorite player from your favorite team, remember that these guys are bazillionaires.
Bartolo Colon – Pitcher
I stopped looking after I remembered Bartolo. He should sell ‘Bartolo Cologne’. It’d probably smell like if Andre the Giant stopped growing. Eat your heart out, Randy Johnson.
Sal Fasano, Gerald Laird – Catcher (Tie)
Sal looks like he’s gonna fix my toilet (after he clogged it) and Laird looks like he can’t find his baseball. That’s a movie reference.
Miguel Cairo – First Base
I could be wrong, but I think Miguel Cairo played the Yellow Bastard in Sin City.
Damion Easley – Second Base
Did you kill someone and wear their skin as a mask?
Edwin Encarnacion – Third Base
Your chin-strap beard is like putting lipstick on a pig. You look like Tracy Morgan with Downs.
Jolbert Cabrera, Jack Wilson – Short Stop (Tie)
Are these Garbage Pail Kids or athletes? Cabrera looks like his neck threw up, but Jack Wilson looks like he could win World’s Ugliest Dog.
Fred Lewis, Chris Duncan – Left Field (Tie)
Fred Lewis’ face apparently caught on fire and they put it out with a bear trap. Chris Duncan looks like he eats tin cans and glass. This one’s a toss up.
Cody Ross – Center Field
Cody Ross’ face froze in 1986. The face he was making: ‘dipshit’.
Ben Francisco – Right Field
There are Halloween masks that aren’t as scary as Ben Francisco.
David Ortiz – Designated Hitter
Big Papi is not the most handsome of men. Great hitter. Head shaped like a trash can.
Comedy.com’s ListMaster is Mike Bridenstine