I was back home in St. Louis a few weeks ago, driving around town, when I spotted a vanity license plate that both confused and elated me.
I grabbed my camera to document this phenomenon, UFO-spotting-style. I almost crashed my car, but photographic evidence was key if I was going to share my story with the world.
AUTISM.
That’s all it said. AUTISM. I felt like I hit the jackpot. Autism fascinates me. I don’t think it’s funny, and I don’t enjoy that it exists, but I do have a profound interest in the disease and those that it affects, and especially the people who choose it for their vanity plate.
I think it’s a fantastic idea for a plate. A hell of a lot better than “SPOILED” or “CARDS FAN.” Ugh. Show some orginality, why doncha!
Maybe I’m biased because I myself am kind of autistic.
You see, I once had a dentist tell me I might be partially autistic after I told him how much I enjoyed being covered with the heavy x-ray-protection blanket thingy. I loved the pressure. He told me the
same type of blankets are used on autistic children because they also enjoy intense bodily-pressure. My dentist diagnosed me with autism.
More like Awesome-tism!
So, back to the license plate! This dude is driving around the STL with a plate that says “AUTISM.” I don’t know what his intentions are for choosing this word. Maybe he wants to generate awareness about autism. That’d be pretty nice. Or maybe he wants to generate comedy blogs? That’s even nicer! I’d be writing about hand jobs if it weren’t for this dude. Thanks, man.
Maybe he himself is autistic. That would explain why he got such a retarded, (I mean “autistic”) vanity plate. I’m kidding! Totally JK Rowling. I actually want to start a movement to turn “autistic” into a
new slang word that would mean the opposite of “retarded” or “gay.”
Autistic kids are super fucking smart at random stuff, thus making them cool. “Autistic” is the new “cool” or “sweet.”
IRON MAN is autistic. Pizza is autistic. Diablo Cody is autistic!
And I’m still sort of autistic. I’m like half-way there.
I think I’m onto something! Right?! God, now I want “AUTISM” on MY licence plate! But I still have Missouri plates on my car, and clearly, that idea is already taken by the most autistic man in St.
Louis. But I’m not gonna be all retarded and let this dude make me feel any less autistic than I am. So here are some alternative spellings of “Autism” I’ve come up with:
A surprise approach:
A sympathetic take:
Ghetto:
For the skeptic:
For a Foodie:
And the best one:
Okay, sorry, this is column went from totally autistic to super gay real quickly.
Nikki Glaser is a stand-up comedian living in Los Angeles. Go to www.myspace.com/nikkiglaser for info.
